I have always been a big proponent of calling a ‘spade a spade’ and telling it like it is. I don’t want things sugar coated or watered down to make them sound nicer or less scary. Give it to me straight or not at all. This belief was reinforced during my last doctor’s visit. I had been having one of those days… you know, those days that guy Murphy had in mind when he wrote up his laws. Yeah those days. Everything that could have gone wrong did and a 4 pm doctor appointment didn’t promise to turn the day around. After twisting my shoulder into a pretzel and having me touch my toes (for which I needed a crane to return to a vertical position), the term got flung at me like an out of control curve ball: degenerative disc disease.

My first reaction was a very loud, very unladylike snort. Of course…why not add another disease/syndrome/illness/ailment du jour to the long laundry list of my medical chart? I mean, after all, when you have two or three under your belt, the diagnosis are like eating those first few fresh baked cookies… you’re already screwed so why not eat the whole pan? After the snort, I began to get a little peeved… degenerative disc disease, it sounded so sterile and colorless. What exactly was it? What are discs and what do they have to do with past generations of my family tree? I walked out of there still scratching my head until I was able to Google the condition in my car. Degenerative disc disease = A break down of the discs in the spine that causes gradual deterioration and is a condition that can be painful and can greatly affect the quality of one’s life.

Ya think?

I prefer something a little more straightforward in description, like Pancake Spine = Depreciation of the squishy things wedged in your spine and is a condition that will occasionally shoot a lightning bolt from the base of your skull down to your butt crack.

The new definition (let’s call it a Stephanition) keeps it real, is to the point and lets you know straight up what you can expect. Living with chronic illness is anything but mainstream and routine, so I propose that we change all offensive medical terminology to more appropriate terms that save us from wasting spoons on search engines and monotonous explanations to healthy people. I have listed few of my personal favorites below along with their original name and definition. As you can see, the Stephanitions are clearly the better choice.

ORIGINAL: Alopecia – The partial or complete loss of hair—especially on the scalp—either in patches, on the entire head or over the entire body.

STEPHANITION: Mr. Clean Syndrome – The gradual or unexpected exit of any and all hair on the scalp and/or eyebrows. The hair many come out in patches or all at once, providing an excellent opportunity to craft one’s own winter afghan.

ORIGINAL: Anemia – A condition in which the blood is deficient in red blood cells, in hemoglobin, or in total volume.

STEPHANITION: Systemically Iron Challenged – A condition in which a random drop of red blood cells causes spontaneous exhaustion, freakish white eyelids and carnivorous tendencies towards bovine. Often treated with iron supplements (see “constipated for eternity”).

ORIGINAL: Butterfly Rash – A red, flat facial rash over the bridge of the nose. Because of its shape, it is frequently referred to as the “butterfly rash” of lupus.

STEPHANITION: Baboon Rash – A Kool-Aid stain over the bridge of the nose that extends across the cheeks and who knows where else. Because of its likeness to a misplaced baboon’s butt, it is frequently referred to as the “baboon rash.”. Also impervious to foundation, concealer or household spackle.

ORIGINAL: Celiac Disease – A permanent intolerance to gluten that results in damage to the intestine and is reversible with avoidance of dietary gluten.

STEPHANITION: Cookie Contamination Disease – An allergy to anything that tastes good. Avoidance of dietary gluten can be supplemented by gluten free products, most of which require a second mortgage and taste like couch cushions.

ORIGINAL: Chemotherapy – A therapy that uses toxic drugs to slow or reverse the spread of cancer. The drugs are injected into the bloodstream to poison rapidly growing cancer cells. Side effects include damage to healthy cells and organs. In addition, there are the better known side effects of nausea, hair loss and fatigue.

STEPHANITION: Vomm-o-therapy – A therapy that uses a combination of poison and turpentine to treat conditions such as cancer and/or autoimmune disorders. The drug is injected into the bloodstream or ingested in pill form. Side effects include: bobbing for your spleen in the toilet, dental destruction and Mr. Clean Syndrome.

ORIGINAL: Chronic Fatigue – A debilitating and complex disorder characterized by profound fatigue that is not improved by bed rest and most persons with CF often function at a substantially lower level of activity than they were capable of before the onset of illness.

STEPHANITION: Stair-a-phobia – A very real disorder characterized by an inability to function without a steady supply of No-Doz and an intravenous caffeine drip. Although people with Stair-a-phobia desire to do normal things such as exercise, they often have to take a nap after tying their Nikes.

ORIGINAL: Corticosteroids – A steroid hormone produced by the adrenal cortex or synthesized; administered as drugs they reduce swelling and decrease the body’s immune response.

STEPHANITION: Satan’s Tic-Tacs – The most evil substance known to man, specifically designed to reduce swelling, as well as stupidity tolerance. Side effects generally include: insomnia, a bloated puffer-fish physique and a transformation into Quasimodo.

ORIGINAL: Endoscopy – The examination of a bodily orifice, canal or organ using a long flexible tube with a lens at one end and a magnifying eyepiece at the other.

STEPHANITION: Patient-ka-bob – The examination of every natural body orifice from north to south and everywhere in between using a hose and a telescope. Receivers of this procedure are usually under the influence of anesthesia so as not to hear the laughter of medical personnel as they are turned into a rotisserie chicken.

ORIGINAL: Immune System – A system (including the thymus and bone marrow and lymphoid tissues) that protects the body from foreign substances and pathogenic organisms by producing the immune response.

STEPHANITION: Cannibal System – A system that is as useful as a sixth toe on a left foot due to the fact that it doesn’t protect as much as attacks innocent by-standing organs. This system is largely considered to be a mythical urban legend along with Big Foot, Loch Ness and Charlie Sheen’s sanity.

ORIGINAL: Oral Ulcer – The name for the appearance of an open sore inside the mouth caused by a break in the mucous membrane or the epithelium on the lips or surrounding the mouth.

STEPHANITION: Craters of Hell – Painful and mortifying sores that appear and multiply inside of the mouth during periods of a flare. Although size and depth may vary, the ability to eat, drink, speak or otherwise do anything but drool is halted for the duration. Sometimes referred to as “best diet ever.”

ORIGINAL: Photosensitivity – Oversensitivity of the skin to sunlight or other forms of light. It sometimes follows exposure to certain chemicals or drugs, resulting in accelerated burning of the skin.

STEPHANITION: Vampirosis – Tendency of the skin to burst into a ball of flames when introduced to anything but cold, dark hall closet light. Its name comes from the Latin vampiro, which is loosely translated as “fun sucking light aversion.”

ORIGINAL: Pleurisy – An inflammation of the pleura or membrane that covers the inside of the thorax. It is accompanied with fever, pain, difficult respiration and cough. The usual remedies are venesection, other evacuations, diluents, etc.

STEPHANITION: Lung-in-a-Vice – An inflammation of the microscopic membrane of the lungs. It is accompanied by medical personnel skepticism, a fifty ton elephant using your chest as a step stool and a repetitive stabbing of your sternum by a dull pick axe. The usual remedies are an Arnold Schwarzenegger size shot of steroids and a 20 hour wait in the ER.

ORIGINAL: Probable Diagnosis – The act or process of identifying or determining the nature and cause of a disease or injury through evaluation of patient history, examination, and review of laboratory data.

STEPHANITION: Shruggable Diagnosis – The act or process of a physician reaching behind him and pulling a diagnosis out of his butt in lieu of research and further detailed testing.