It didn’t seem that long ago that I was right there in her Converses, thinking that life would surely end if “that guy” didn’t like me back, or if I didn’t make the cheerleading squad. It’s amazing that when you are a pre-teen, embarking on those formidable years that I found out later my mother referred to as “the decade of the damned”, the smallest most insignificant things make it seem like the world is ending. I remember my fair share of screaming about how not letting me go to that unsupervised party would ruin my life forever and how my parents were just stuck in the 1950’s for not letting me date that guy that picked me up one night by honking the horn and shouting, “Yo…you ready, woman?”

My daughter turns 12 years old today and as I look back on those years, I see a lot of myself in her actions, mannerisms and speech. She’s my little mini-me inside and out, except for the simple fact that she has an innocence about her that I long for. It’s that innocence that makes her believe that the world is conquerable, good always wins over evil and she will always be able to eat an entire box of a dozen donuts and still look like a runway model. I just wish there was one innocence that she still had….I wish she still believed that her mom was healthy and just like all of her friend’s moms. Those moms take their kids shopping, to the movies and out to eat. My daughter doesn’t expect those things because she hasn’t known them in the last few years. She understands that I have to sleep all day on Saturday to recover from simply working a job that week and I can’t spend a beautiful Sunday afternoon playing outside with her, because my chemo injection has me draped over the toilet like a bad college flashback.

It got me thinking about that movie “My Life”…you know, the one with Michael Keaton where he’s terminally ill and makes a videotape for his unborn child? Yeah that one….don’t worry, I used an entire box of Kleenex and hugged everyone I knew with a death grip after watching it too. I wondered what my legacy would be to her….what words of wisdom would I want to impart her with if I wasn’t around to tell her later in life. As I sat at my computer at work the idea hit me. Everyone has diaries. Disney has the The Princess Diaries, Ozzy had Diary of a Madman…and hell, even the CW has the Vampire Diaries. Why can’t maternal Spoonies have the Mom Diaries? We moms have a lot to say and usually get the teenage trademarked eye roll when we try to share our vast expertise of life. So, here it is…the Mom Diaries…Letter to My Pre-Teen Daughter.

Dear Girl Child,

I know it’s not easy living with me….and it’s an exercise in sanity living with a pre-teen, but believe it or not, I have not always been a mom. Once upon a time, I was like you. I know you are probably shaking your head with your famous “but Moooooom, you don’t understand meeeeeeee.” Oh, but I do. You see, I wasn’t always the prehistoric Mom-a-saurus Rex. Believe it or not, I had the same problems you have and I too, thought my mother was the most out of touch, stupid woman on the planet. She used to tell me useless stuff like, “don’t wish so hard to grow-up….these are the best years of your life and you will want them back.” I looked at her like she had just told me the Theory Of Relativity in about seven different extinct languages. She didn’t know what she was talking about and I couldn’t wait to be 18 and move away. Well it is now, dear child that I share something with you…sit down, this may just shock you more than you will ever be shocked in your life. Guess what? She was right.

Life goes by too fast and sometimes it takes you on a side path that is unpaved and has no street signs. I thought I would always be zooming down the highway in a convertible sports car. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d be detoured off an exit that led to a world of confinement and illness in a broke down El Camino that just came off the cinder blocks. You think you are invincible and that nothing bad will ever happen. You don’t know how much I pray for that to be your destiny. But I thought it was my destiny too. That’s why, if you do nothing else, live life like it was your last day. I thought I had my entire life to do things on my bucket list…and now instead of a bucket list, I just have a bucket that I carry around on chemo day. I learned the hard way that life can change in the blink of an eye. Do all the things that you can just in case your life takes an unexpected turn and suddenly your dream isn’t so much to see the world as it is to see outside your bedroom.

I know that boy. I know him well. It doesn’t matter if it was 1990 or if it’s 2090…he never changes. He’s the boy that you watch from afar and dream about. If only he would ask you out…if only he knew you existed. Trust me, I kissed many frogs in my day while still pining away for the one that didn’t want me. (side note…never kiss frogs, you don’t know where they’ve been). Don’t waste spoons on the ones that don’t appreciate your greatness. There’s a reason that boy only dates the most popular girls and is more interested in looking at himself in the mirror than looking at someone for who they really are. Find someone who loves you unconditionally…not only for when you are the life of the party, but for when you are stuck at home missing the party because your body just can’t make it happen that day. Looking back on those days, I see the tears that I cried over that boy and know that he wasn’t worth them. Someone who truly loves you will love you on your good days as well as the days that you throw shoes at his head and delve into one of your five “flare day” personalities for his simple question of “what can I get you?” You are valuable and so is your time. Spend it with someone that’s worthy of it.

There is a time for hard work and there is a time for play. Don’t confuse them or value one over the other. I look back on those days that I stayed late at the office to impress my boss and those weekends that I wasted working a second job that truly didn’t make a dent in my debt, and think about all the spoons I wasted trying to climb the corporate ladder. Getting ahead isn’t as important as it seems. As you grow up,, don’t forget to simply live. I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday and I see you now as you grow into a young lady before my eyes. But I can’t seem to remember the days in between….the times I stayed at home in bed while you finally hit the ball and got to second base without striking out, because I didn’t have enough energy to get out of bed and clothes hurt too much to put on. I can’t seem to remember the skate nights you very wobbly learned to let go of the wall and make it to the end of the rink without falling. I can’t remember because I wasn’t there….I was at home with swollen knees and an inability to stop crying because my body felt like it was being crushed under a thousand bricks. Never decline to spend time with the people you love because “you can do it tomorrow”. What if tomorrow doesn’t come? What if your tomorrow is a gamble of how many spoons you have left in the drawer, and how many you can borrow from tomorrow? It’s called LIFE….live it out loud…unless your “out loud” includes blasting the Jonas Brothers, which in that case live life quietly with a set of headphones in your room.

Real friends love you when you are the one who makes them laugh…..and the one that makes them cry. I wasted too many tears on friends who wouldn’t know the meaning of the word if it walked up and smacked them in the face (which incidentally is something that is still on the aforementioned bucket list). Learn from my mistakes…you do NOT always have to be the “good time girl”. If you get down and your friends aren’t there for you, then they won’t be there for you when you need someone to drive you to the doctor because you can’t stay awake enough to operate a moving vehicle or your fingers are so swollen that you can’t hold the steering wheel. Let’s face it…women as a species are jealous people and while they may have the face of a beauty queen and an endless supply of subjects….those types will never hold a candle to your ability to pull a hail Mary spoon out of the depths of the beyond. Remember, quality over quantity. Those two best friends who love you enough to sit with you through an entire marathon of Lifetime movies when you are so sick that even blinking hurts are the ones that matter.

Finally the most important one of all… Don’t want to be like me…want to be better than me. You have every power imaginable within you to achieve greatness. I have watched you grow and I know that fire in your eye, I used to see it in the mirror. While mine has long since been extinguished, yours can only grow stronger. Do not settle for what is easy….go for what is impossible. You just may surprise yourself. When someone tells you that you can’t do something, prove them wrong. I have been told multiple times that I shouldn’t be working because it will run me down, I shouldn’t be exercising because it will swell my joints, I shouldn’t be outdoors enjoying the sunshine because it will destroy my already bruised, scarred and rashed skin….there is a lot that I shouldn’t be doing but I choose to live as much as I can. You have always said that I was your hero….that you wanted to be just like me when you grow up. I know you will understand when I say, I never want to hear those words come from you again. I want you to take what I have learned and be greater. If I could do it all over again there are so many things that I wouldn’t worry over and do differently. Having an illness changes your perspective and makes you realize what is important and what isn’t.

And for the record….whether you are “Team Edward” or “Team Jacob” isn’t one of life’s important choices. Trust me.

Love,
Mom

Written by guest writer Stephanie Kennedy