The Plan

 

When I was younger, I really wasn’t sure that there was a plan for my life. Years ago, I had been in a horribly abusive marriage for six years. I tolerated things that are shocking to most people that I tell. During that time and even after it ended, it was the lowest period of my life. I wasn’t sure that I was going to be able to rebuild and move forward with my life. My dad would say, “Honey, I know it’s in the plan for you to have a good life and be happy.” What? Why? Millions of people all of the world are wretched, in poverty and starving to death. Not everyone gets a happy ending. Why should I?

But my life did turn around. I was able to rebuild. I pulled myself up by the boot straps and kept going. And in the process, I found my second husband. A man that had been revealed to me two times previously in my life. But the timing wasn’t right. And I don’t think I would have appreciated him then. I believe I had to go through those earlier dark times in order to recognize what good times really look like. And then things fell into place. We built a life together and a happy home with kitties. I was starting to perhaps see the outline of a plan. There might be a reason I passed this man by before and a reason I went through a terrible marriage, because all of this was waiting on the other side.

And then I got sick. And once the big diagnoses came, lots more came. Suddenly in my new and happy life I was missing a very big component, my health. It was lost to me. Life was changed forever. But why show me all of the good, just to take away my ability to really participate and enjoy it? I was stumped. Surely there was a plan, a life lesson, a teachable moment in my illness, but I couldn’t see it.

And then my dad collapsed. After having no symptoms, he collapsed with a softball sized brain tumor. My mother basically shut down. She was in complete shock and was having trouble focusing. So I became the advocate. I was basically running the show the many days that my dad was in the ICU. And for me to take over, it was a piece of cake. I knew all the things to say and do, all of the questions to ask. Why? Because I was a Professional Patient. After years of my own sickness, this was something that I knew. I had been trained for this role well. I had all of the medical lingo down. The hospital staff was asking if I was in the healthcare industry? As a healthcare worker? No. As a healthcare super user? You betcha.

Toward the end of my dad’s ICU stay, my aunt called me. We had a long talk about how well I was advocating for my dad. It was easy. I knew how to do it. It was only natural for me to take over and fill that role. And then she said it: “And that’s why you got sick. You struggled for years with your illness so that now you can be the best advocate for others. You see, something good has come out of your illness. Now you can stop asking why you got sick.” Hmm. Maybe. It’s a decent sounding theory. But admittedly, I’m not sure that I’m completely convinced yet.

In the end, I really don’t know why God chose to give me so much good stuff but then take away my health. Maybe one day it will be clear to me. Maybe (hopefully much) later on, he’ll tell me himself. But for now, I’ll just close with one of my favorite phrases: “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, but I wish he didn’t trust me so much.”

(And ps- For those of you who may be wondering, after a 9 hour brain surgery, my dad’s brain tumor was removed. He has had a very long and difficult recovery over the last year, but he is officially a brain tumor survivor— and we are very blessed and very proud of him. So that part of the story absolutely has its happy ending. And we thank God for that every day.)

 

Article written by staff writer, Kelly Clardy

Kelly lives in Atlanta with her husband and kitty. She developed PIDD in 1995, went undiagnosed until 2007, and has been receiving IVIG ever since. She also has: capillary hemangioma of the colon, chronic anemia, Hashimot’os disease, insulin resistance, and a host of other diagnosis. By day, she’s a Senior Project Coordinator and a Zebra. She can be found lurking on twitter, @collie1013 and on Facebook at Kelly Jaeckle Clardy.

©2024butyoudontlooksick.com
  • LR

    Hi, I don’t have much to say, but very much “Like!” (5 thumbs up! (me, my friends, and I!) 🙂

  • JULIE DERAKIS

    Karen,
    I loved your story. I am so glad your dad is ok, and you are a great inspiration!

  • Wonderful essay. Thank you for sharing that part of your life with us. I’m so glad your dad is a survivor. That’s one tough cookie, there!

  • phyllis

    great story! i have MS and Lupus along with several of those autoimmune diseases that come with those, i was hit in my prime, at a time when i was in the job of my dreams, had fought my way up clawing and scratching (in the nicest kind of way) wearing great clothes, audacious shoes……..now i am in comfy clothes, if they dont hurt my skin and soft, flat, mostly ugly shoes………happier than ive ever been. God moved me out of that busy place where it was all about me and set me down where i have been able to slow down and see what is really important around me!! guess what? it is not all about ME! i do not ask “why me?” i ask “why not me?” i have been able to reach people i would never have even noticed before and have learned to care about the need of others and see their pain as i am learning to deal with mine.

  • PamC

    I have a really difficult time with the concept of God, but as a professional patient myself, I do have faith from similar experiences. I have faith that time will change my appreciation of situations. I have faith that time will change situations. It’s about hanging in there until the time comes.

    Amazing article…………

  • I know all about the spoon theory, and have shared it with many others as I have tried to explain my own state of health issues to them. I think it’s brilliant. But I have not heard of the term “Zebra” before. Can someone explain?

  • Lara

    “God uses ALL things for good, for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose”

    all things, good and bad. Our creator is no waster of things. If we open our hearts to Him we can see the amazing plan like a woven tapestry laid out ahead of us.

    This can be a comfort, and a confusion; as many wonder why? Why this? Why that? Why her and not me? We have free-will to choose and sometimes, sometimes, there in lies the problem.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story Kelly, I’m sure it was just the needed words many needed to hear today!

  • Nann

    Great article!

    I want to weigh in on “why” from my viewpoint. My experience of God is that s/he never wants us to suffer, but that God created the world to function along certain lines, so when we inherit the right – or wrong – genetic structure and encounter certain triggers we get sick. The big BUT is that God will always turn what happens to us to the good if we allow that. There are many good things that would not have happened – at least not in the same way – for a variety of people if I’d not gotten ill. But if I’d stayed well, other things would have happened to other people in other ways.

    And i don’t believe it’s about giving us what we can or cannot handle, but rather about God being there with the courage, strength resources and/or doctors we need to get us through what does happen. Without God, I would have turned into a basket case years ago. With God, people often wonder how I can seem so happy with multiple chronic illnesses. hey, it’s sunny outside, spring is coming and I have a loving and supportive family & friends – best reasons ever for being happy!

  • Kelly,
    God bless you. When my elderly parents were sick I stepped up a little. I didn’t know much, but even a little helped.
    I am so glad things are going better with your Dad. I hope you are encouraged in your day as much as you encouraged me.

  • Kimberly Casey

    Having a chronic illness has made me humble, patient, unjudging and more kind. I would have preferred a different way of learning these things, but then, I wouldn’t have been able to be my mother’s advocate when she was diagnosed with uterine cancer. Great article, please keep them coming!

  • Shari Schindel

    Thank you for putting into words what I wonder about on a daily basis. At the very least, it helps to know I am not the only one who thinks these thoughts.

    Shari

  • Terri Tremblett

    Kelly,
    This is a great article, and very timely for me as I am heading to the hospital today for yet another surgery. It is certainly true that those of us who spend a lot of time in doctors’ offices and hospitals for various appointments and tests and procedures naturally have a better understanding of what goes on and how things are supposed to happen. I am happy to hear that your Dad is well now, and that you were able to be his advocate when he needed you. I am sure it was a huge encouragement to you to know that something good could come from everything you have gone through. Thanks for sharing your story, it’s nice to know that positive things can come from the “stuff” we go through. Well written.

  • Michelle

    Hi..this was a truly wonderful article..thank you so much for sharing. I struggle with the why I am sick daily as I am still grieving for my former life. I am young with 2 small children and while they are so resilient and accepting, it is hard. One thing I have realized, however, is how much a difference it has made in my 3 year old to have me home all the time. I have also developed an amazing relationship with my dad that would not have happened if I was not sick and did not have to be “babysat” most days b/c I am not strong enough to care for myself or my kids alone, while my husband is at work or school. While I’m not sure of the why, and may never be, I do know that the change in relationships for me has been priceless and I am a better person because of them.

    I am so frail and not sure my lungs will survive this trauma but I am blessed to have this community and family support.

  • While I can’t say for a fact that your Creator made you sick in order to be able to advocate for your dad, you did probably save his life. And you should be proud of that.

    Right after I got sick, I wondered why me and why now. It happened just weeks after my second marriage. It certainly put a monkey wrench in my career and in the life I had planned with my new husband. But after awhile, I realized that the timing could have been much worse. If I’d gotten sick during my first marriage, to a man who believed illness only happened to wimps, I wouldn’t have had any support, and it would have taken even longer to get a diagnosis. So while I feel bad that my current husband didn’t end up with a healthy wife, I am grateful that he treats me wonderfully and helps keep me going.

    So while it’s still no picnic to be sick, I have learned that I now have certain advantages over the healthy population. First, I no longer panic when a doctor has to do tests or when diseases like cancer need to be ruled out. I can usually tell the difference between a condition that is potentially life-threatening and one that is a mere inconvenience. And I know that panic is not useful when dealing with ailments that have months, years, or many a lifelong recovery ahead. And I can tell when I am getting substandard treatment. I bet you know all these things plus many more.

  • Stacey

    Kelly, we may never know what God has in store for us, and have endless questions along the way, but it’s always beautiful when part of the plan is revealed. Your father might not have been able to get the care he needed had it not been for you. You were his angel, and that was something God needed you to go through, to know that you really were meant to experience everything for a reason.
    I go through the same struggles, wondering why I’m so young and so sick and can’t get a day’s peace while all of my friends are having the time of their lives (even if it’s just going to each other’s houses to play video games and watch movies and eat pizza and stay up all night….that’s long lost on me). But then there are days when I can help my patients because I know exactly what to ask or can sympathize with them and know when they need their hand held (even when they want to pretend they don’t). And it feels important. Like I’ve got something nobody else has. I don’t have my health, but they don’t have the connection and understanding that I do.

    I’ve heard that quote so many times in my life, and I used to swear it was the best thing ever because it was the truest thing ever.
    But then someone else said something to me: sometimes, He does give you more than you can handle. So that you’ll remember where to turn with your problems and who to reach out to and lean on when you’re struggling.
    Both camps are correct as far as I’m concerned. But since I’ve gotten sick, I have to say, I find myself hearing that second one more and more in my head. When I feel like it’s getting to be too much, I don’t pray knowing that God would never give me too much. I pray asking for help, because that’s what He wants me to do: to remember that He’s ALWAYS there to pull me up out of the quicksand. And it always comforts me when I feel my prayers being answered.

    Kelly, you are beautiful for being you and facing life and refusing to give up. I’m glad that you’re dad is okay, and I hope that in furthering his recovery, you can develop an even deeper relationship with that part of you that you didn’t know existed until then: your strength.

  • Dottie Balin

    Kelly, what a wonderful article. So happy that your Dad is well. I too had a similar story to yours. After two marriages (both abusive) I found the man I thought was the “one.” But then I became ill with Lupus and a year later with MS. Needless to say I am not with the “one” anymore. He couldn’t deal with my illnesses so he left me. But I also have helped many of my friends and family with health problems. Anyone has a problem, they ask me first if I know what can be done to help them. Weather it be, look up info on the computer or to be an advocate for their health issues. Many a times I say the same as you “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.” Thanks for sharing your story with us, and I guess you can look at our illnesses sometimes as a blessing not a burden. Be well.. 🙂

  • Another great piece Kelly. Thank you for sharing. I am so glad that I have you in my life to help me as well. Love ya my fellow zebra!

  • Great storyKelly. The happy ending is your dad. Congratulations on your hard work. I have a similar stroy with my grandfather, who passed away in 2007 from complications from Alzheimer’s. I had to help advocate in the worst of times but before he passed had the best the possible outcomes.
    It’s amazing what you think you “can’t” do, that is until you do it.