“Thanks for asking…but I’m fine.”

 

“I’m fine.” We say those words multiple times a day. How often does anybody ever really mean them? For those of us living with invisible chronic illnesses, do we ever mean it? If we don’t mean it, then why on earth do we say it?

We say I’m fine because it’s what’s expected of us, because how often does the other person really want to know (and even if they say they do, they certainly don’t mean they want an in depth analysis every single time they ask). We say I’m fine because we really don’t want to go into the myriad of appointments this month or the inconclusive tests, or the trial and error of medications. We say I’m fine because we don’t want to hear, yet again, the saga of how Great Aunt Muriel cured her Lyme’s Disease by drinking beaver urine and maybe, just maybe, it would help you too.

It’s easier to say I’m fine than say I’m tired, nauseous, every joint in my body hurts, I miss solid food, and I’m sick of being sent from specialist to specialist and feeling like a pincushion only to have people look back and say you’re always sick or what are you doing to yourself to keep having all this happen to you. Maybe if you did this… Or to be faced with looks of pity because you’re sick and they feel helpless because you being sick is hard for them.

I say I’m fine because maybe if I say it often enough, I might start to feel a little bit fine. I say I’m fine because I wish I was, because I want to be, I want to believe that someday I can be. I say I’m fine because it’s easier than the alternative, because I don’t want to lose anybody else because they’ve decided they don’t want to have the sick girl as a friend.

That’s the beauty of an invisible illness. You can say you’re fine because no one can see that you’re not. If I was covered with green and blue dots, it would be harder to hide, but I’m able to masquerade as a healthy person. So when you ask, I’ll probably keep saying I’m fine regardless of how I feel. Of course, Minnesota Nice may come into play in some of this, since chances are, even if you see me cradling my severed left arm in my right, I’m probably still going to smile and say I’m fine if you ask me how I am.

Article written by Staff Writer, Agnes Reis

Agnes is a nursing student in Minnesota. She was diagnosed with CFIDs in 1999 followed by fibromyalgia the following year, along with lifelong allergies, asthma and migraines. She can be found at brigid22.wordpress.com or @brigid22 on twitter, but cautions twitter followers that there’s a heavy dose of sports and nursing along with the spoons.  

©2024butyoudontlooksick.com
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  • Sandy

    My Nurse Practioner got on me for this – especially on a really bad Myasthenia day… She walked in and said “How are you?” and of course being the good Southern girl I said, “I’m fine”. She said, “Stop saying that automatically – You are NOT fine – you are sick – very sick….” So I have tried – at least at the neurologists to quit saying that. To other people I just say, “Oh, I have good days and bad days” and smile. If they want more they’ll ask. Most never do… They don’t really don’t want to know…. thanks for the great article…..

  • SheilaB

    With scleroderma and Raynaud’s topping my list of ailments, which included open heart and bypass surgery), I too, say “I’m okay.” Fortunately, I do give a truthful update via email after I have an appointment with my rheumatologist. The email goes to my my children, their spouses, my brothers and sister-in-law, and my one best, best friend. It provides me the chance to get the info off my chest, and then I’m ‘free’ to not talk about it with anyone else.

  • I feel this way too, I have a severe case of RLS ( to be re-named Ekbom’s Disease.) It is largely un-recongized as a real illness, and unfortunately even sites like this don’t even hardly address it. I used to have a few nights here and there where my legs would hurt and nothing helped, I didn’t even know it was a condition anyone else had until I saw the commercials, just recently it turned a corner, it went into my arms and lasted during the day. It was so painful in my arms that I had to move them all the time, I looked like i had Parkinson’s. Even my nuerologists said pain isn’t usually what is described, yet on RLS support sites many complain of pain. this is real and often laughed at and jokes are made that it is an imaginary disease that all in your head. Now that is effects my everyday life I am trying to raise awareness

  • Stacy

    Good topic! I have POTS, so I just say “I’m potsy today” to those who know me well. To all others, it’s the standard “I’m fine!”
    Sometimes I just say, “don’t ask unless you really want to know…”
    🙂

  • nancyj

    I am so guilty of this also! Only a few friends who really understand get the truth (and sincerely want a truthful answer)! I have lupus, thyroid, autoimmune hepatitis, sjogrens and lots of other complaints. I am sick of needing surgeries for this and that! May need another ankle surgery soon and it’s my right which means no driving-I live alone and closest family is 40 miles away (and has kids and two jobs-so I hate to ask anything of him). So at the moment I am a bit “down” and praying the MRI says I don’t need it. Good to have this outlet for frustations!!!!

  • Sandy G.

    thank u Agnes for telling it like it is!! as a life-long Minnesotan, people ARE nice–but when u keep saying yeah i’m fine, yeah i’m fine, after a while u hold so much in. there are my few close family n friends that i can tell how i really feel, as a matter of fact they can at times tell me how i feel without me saying a word! and even sometimes notice that i am starting to have signs of a flare up before i am. those are my small and lovely support. without them i would be lost. to the others, and the general public, i usually just say i’m doing so-so or i have my good days n my bad days. as a former teacher, i do always look for a “teachable” moment about my invisible/chronic illnesses. thanks again!! looking forward to some warm weather!! 🙂

  • Geenah

    What a GREAT article and Website. I also have Fibro and CFIDs – diagnosed about 10 years ago, along with a plethora of other “little” things like premature ovarian failure…. I have continued to work a full time job, with plenty of OT, and part-time job (even a 3rd night job for about 7 months) during this entire time. My full time job can be extremely physically demanding when we have to travel and work outside in bad weather, like this past week. When I pryed myself out of bed and drug myself to work yesterday, my boss asked me how I was. He was completely shocked when I told him that I was “absolutely miserable”….and he didn’t want to hear the rest, but he did say “I’m sorry to hear that.” So I spared him the gorey details.
    I usually say “I’m tired, but I’m OK,” and people who care can tell when I’m not, and usually ask for more. But mostly, people get tired of me telling them that I am tired and they don’t want to hear it. I had some co-workers in the past make fun of me because I said I was tired all the time. Most people just think I’m depressed and lazy: and they pass their judgement without really WANTING to know the facts. It makes me sad.

  • Stevie

    I usually say “i’ve had worse days” (because that’s true if I’m in a place for someone to ask me that) or “I don’t feel well” or my favorite..”It sure is pretty (nasty, wet, cold, hot) outside today” Most people don’t even notice what I say anyhow, and those that press for a specific answer are usually the ones who know me well.

  • Carol Adams

    This hits home so well.
    I often reply to inquiries about how I feel with, “could be better, could be worse” as I have found that for the most part people really don’t want to know. That sounds awful but it is so true.
    I get the feeling that if I’m honest with what is going on with me and it is negative then I am considered negative and people don’t wish to be around negativity. You know, the “bad vibe” thing…
    In saying that, I feel that it is difficult being a friend to a chronically ill person. I’m not letting these people off the hook, but I just think that it truly is hard. People have their own lives, trials and tribulations and have probably have enough on their own plates.
    I’m hospitalized, on the average of, once a year and now we don’t even let people know unless they ask. Oh how I have wanted a kind email or call during my days in the hospital but all too often it just does not come.
    In comparison, if another friend has surgery or cancer and such, people seem to rush to their side in droves.
    I also am aware that since I am ill much of the time that friends/family do not know what to do or how to deal with it. To me it says much more about them than about me altho I can’t help from feeling abandoned and misunderstood.
    After being hounded by my MIL about hearing how several different “cures”/ supplements would help me, I finally sent her a print out for Devic’s disease/NMO, my new diagnosis in the last 2 yrs. She just did not seem to “get it” and hopefully this at least educated her. My motive was not to illicit sympathy etc but was to have her understanding. I also wanted her to understand that autoimmune diseases are complicated as many of us have multiple diagnoses.
    She has also made comments about my weight gain, like I don’t see myself naked every single day and am continually distressed by how I look! I have been on high dose IV steroids and oral maintenance coupled by the inability to exercise due to the constraints of my illness. I am not happy with this either but at this point it cannot be helped.
    At any rate, it is a struggle and difficult to navigate relationships when well. But coupled with autoimmune diseases/chronic illness, it is certainly much more difficult for the patient as well as the friend.
    In saying that, I also must mention that when I was dx, I was a working RN. The nurses on my unit were neither supportive or understanding of the struggles I faced and dealt with, to the point that they were not helpful with schedule flexibility. I had been an RN at this facility for nearly 30 yrs and had been a loyal contributing employee, only to be treated in this way.
    It was heartbreaking.
    Ok… thanks for allowing me to vent, here!!

  • Jen

    I can so relate! “I’m fine,” “hanging in there,” or my two favorites “I’m breathing” and “I’m alive.” People will say the last two are a good thing or that it’s better than the alternative. I often beg to differ, but just laugh it off and don’t actually agree.

    Some of my online friends and I joke that we could win Academy Awards for some of our performances when we’re with anyone else. I went to brunch with my in-laws one Sunday and acted as if everything was perfect. A few days later I was hospitalized and my MIL said “but you were fine on Sunday.” Another vote for that award!

    I’ve also lost friends who were well-intended, but thought they knew better than the countless doctors I’ve seen. If there was a realisitic medical option out there, don’t you think I’ve already tried it? Do you think I want to be/feel this way? Yes, even those I considered the best of friends get tired of hearing it, yet they say “anytime you want to talk” all along praying that you don’t. Why would I anyway? I don’t want pity and I don’t want the “beaver urine” (ROFL) suggestion.

    “Or to be faced with looks of pity because you’re sick and they feel helpless because you being sick is hard for them.” I read this line over and over and over. I’ve been told how my husband feels helpless and took it on as my own, feeling guilty as if I’d done something wrong to him.. broke him. But it always stopped at “helpless” so when you wrote that line a great big lightbulb went off in my head. It’s not because he doesn’t know what to do, but because it’s hard on him for me to be sick. Well you know what? He can escape it; he can go to work; he can go to another room. There is no escaping our own minds and bodies. Don’t you wish we could??

  • Lynn Russell

    What a great article, Agnes! I am SO guilty of this it’s not funny! But I have one more reason to add to your list: I say I’m fine because I don’t want to make the person asking uncomfortable. I have two close friends who are like sisters to me and to them I answer truthfully. But even when my husband asks, my most likely answer is I’m fine! 🙂

  • This is the only place where I can say the truth. Vent. No one gives weird stares back lol. Only a few people who seem to really know “when iam not me” because I feel like total $%^^. This is one of those days. Funny how people you never met before seem to get it and understand.

  • Carla

    Excellent article! Thanks for sharing that. It really hits home. I can totally identify with Kris’s response. I don’t want to lie, but I know nobody *really* wants to hear the truth; they don’t understand it anyway (and how could they?); and telling the truth is a good way to lose friends. Who wants to be around a sickie, or somebody who *seems to be* complaining all the time, whether it’s the truth or not. My favorite way to respond is with humor/sarcasm. I think I’ve worn out “Just dandy!” or “So far, so good!” I wish I could think of more creative responses…

  • kathy

    I think we get so use to saying “I’m Fine” that we almost start to believe that we are ok even though we are not.
    I am still trying desprately to get a proper diagnosis so every time i say I’m Fine i start to think maybe feeling this way is “normal”
    We all know our bodies well enough to know its not normal to feel what we are going through. I would rather hear other peoples problems before my own when it comes to being ill.
    Guess thats part of being a woman and being a Mom.
    Thanks for your article

  • Lovely piece and summed it up exactly. My counsellor told me another meaning of fine. Fu***ed up insecure neurotic and emotional. I tell everyone I am fine now all the time 🙂

  • Flutewoman

    I say “I’m fine,” or “I’m okay” because my father (who passed away last March), suffered from mental illness. There was a (usually unspoken) “rule” that if he knew I was not “fine” he could end up in the mental hospital. But I think he could read me better than anyone and always knew anyway.
    When he was dying, I even told everyone who asked that I was fine or okay. Our minister asked me how I could say that, and I replied that I don’t want anyone to worry about me.

  • Kate

    Thanks, Agnus! Great article! I get that a lot too, and yeah, sometimes I do sound like a hypocondriach when I’m not. Gets almost annoying. My mom knows how I am by the tone in my voice or what I say when she asks…it’s either “The children are doing great!” or “I’m doin alright.” If I say how the children are, she knows it’s a bad, bad day! @Sheila…I know how you feel about wanting the “old” you back. I too don’t attend church anymore. Those wooden pews are just pewy! And the up and down, I just can’t do anymore and if you sit the entire time, because we “don’t look sick” we get looks as if we’re a discrase! I’d just rather not go through that and have the children see that. Would they even think to giving me a hand to stand up? No way!!!! I’m not old and decreped…okay, well, not old…lol. And another response I use is “I’m here”, especially at the docs’…if I were really “good” would I be there???? hahaha…wishing and praying that everyone has a fantabulous day (regardless of our actual lives/bodies/pains/aches/swollen joints/headaches/LOL)!

  • Leonie Sharpe

    I tell people i’m fine because I don’t have the energy to explain it, also i don’t really know how to explain it in a way they would understand, so much easier just to say “I,m fine thanks”.

  • guilty as charged. we’re between a rock and a hard place. I’ve started saying – ‘well, I woke up on the right side of the dirt this morning’. It’s true I’m glad I’m still alive, but not saying how I feel one way or the other beyond that.

  • I always say “I’m DANDY.” It is my policy not to talk about how I’m feeling EVER except to a medical provider, and they usually only want to know on a scale of 1 to 10 (which I find infuriating, but that’s another topic). It’s been so long since I’ve felt “fine” that even I am bored with hearing about it. I’d rather grab for what gusto there is.

  • Sicko

    Them “How are you?”
    Me (dont want to talk about it) -“fine thanks”
    Them – well get a £(&@& job then

  • Emma

    My standard answer is “not bad considering…” It then leaves it up to the other person to either take that forward or not.

    Or if it’s a terrible day and I’m trying *so* hard not to vomit with the pain and I keep thinking that I’m going to faceplant the floor, but for some reason I’ve still gone to work (?), people get “well, I’m here”.

    Today – people will get the latter. I’m actually only going because there’s a big meeting (about me and my possible early medical “retirement” – fills me with joy at the age of 34) with HR and Occupational Health and work’s Rehab people (PLEASE tell me how you can rehab me from ME, fibro and HMS because I’d quite like to make millions from it!).

  • Jackie Aitchison

    I usually just say something like 0h same old….. how are you?? People, in the most part are only asking out of manners and dont really want to know, and they dont really understand so saying too much is pointless. For example the ” you’re looking so well” yep, thats called makeup! Or see you are a bit stiff today, of course that will be the weather……….. You’re looking very tired, you must be doing too much……. Just dont correct people anymore, no point in one ear….

  • Amanda

    My answer has usually been, “I’m here”, which says it all.
    They don’t need to know how far past my limit I have pushed myself to show up at a social function just to be able to see my friends and enjoy the laughter they induce. Some of my spoonie friends ask me specifics because they understand more. So from them, I get the “is your pain level low today, or did you wear that brave face just for me?”. To which I smile and laugh, and they know my answer without me saying it.

  • dan

    yes very complicated quandry you raise there agnes…but sooo true!!! i personally use the analogy say… ya my backs a bit** much today or somethin similar as i kno i cant explain the total pain im in. just much easier. Ppl close to me kno when im havin trouble, others dont understand. hence im left to my own demise so to spk. You soon tire of sayin ” im sick an tired of bein sick an tired” as its worn out fast…but really really means so much.

  • Renee Gross

    Great article, I answer I am ok because even those that love me dont want to hear it, its too much for them to handle and most of the time even though it is out of love they just cant resist some kind of home remedy or article on something and I love them for trying but chances are I have been there done that and I am too tired to try again.

  • Sheila

    One of my friends said, when are you going to get better, I liked the old Sheila much better. I know I need to adress this comment, but I haven’t yet. I just looked at her dumb founded and didn’t say a word. When she left, I cried. I just talked about this very subject yesterday with another person. He said it was ok to answer how I wanted depending on the person and the circumstance, but probably keep it short. I stopped going to church because I can’t sit in the chairs and it is hard to stand up and sit down. Another reason, was because of the questions well meaning people (old co workers, acquiantances) have: How are you? Where are you working? After answering those two questions they glaze over and walk away and they don’t talk to me again. I don’t look sick, until you see me walk. I do miss going to church and have thought about sitting in the back and leaving before everyone else is ready to leave. I want to be the person I was before more than anything, but I have to accept the person I am now and do what I can, when I can. I surround myself with people that love me. I am very interested in their lives and they are in mine. They know if I just want to listen. J count my blessings every day and I want to start a gratitude journal so I am looking for positve things all the time and change my focus from being in a me world, to finding ways I can help others.

  • Elizabeth

    My reply now is “fabulous” or “splendid”….then they have to wonder if it really is….

  • Janice

    Sometimes I’ll smile and reply, “I’m in great shape for the shape I’m in.”

    Often I don’t answer but rather reply with a statement or question. I’m always wondering if people can tell that I’m avoiding their question.

    If someone is genuinely concerned about me it almost makes me cry on a bad day. That’s ok too.

    Do you ever wonder if your best years have come and gone?

  • Dahlia

    Nicely said. 🙂 I always say I’m fine a lot. So much for pretending, but better than having to always explain myself and apologizing for being sick…

  • Becky

    My favorite reply is “I’m alive.” It’s always true, and people can choose whether to ask more or not. I usually say it with a smile, which helps those who are uncomfortable, but those who really know me know what it means. Plus, it reminds me that things could be a lot worse. Of course, I’m also guilty of the automatic “I’m fine” reply…along with things like “wonderful,” “great,” “peachy,” or whatever comes to mind at the moment. Most people ask “How are you?” out of habit without really thinking about it, so I like to play with their minds a little bit and come up with some crazy and/or creative answer…reminds them that they asked me a question, and it wasn’t rhetorical. 🙂

  • Joy

    I’ve got two “standard” responses to “How are you?
    (Except to my mother who I lie to daily with pure upbeat fine-ness!)

    Since we can expect to hear that question almost every day– and since “how we feel” will fluctuate DRASTICALLY (more than the general population who’s asking — I choose to be either (a) polite and noncommital if I’m feeling truly okay or (b) sarcastic with a response that requires no explanation.

    Polite response A: “I’m well today, thanks!” (And you?)
    Bad day/grumpy day/ response B: “Just Peachy!”
    ’nuff said.

  • Aimee

    Wow!! I sure can relate to this!!!

  • jj

    I love how you can put exactly what people are feeling into the perfect words to express it. Thank you for this!

  • Jen

    I used to answer honestly as possible every time. “Eh, my head hurts, How are you?” No complaining, just answering. Until someone (who I considered close) commented about how I respond… “you always say what’s wrong with you,” and even joked that I should just start responding in pain scale. This was hurtful. If someone doesn’t want to know how I am, then they shouldn’t ask, because I’m sincere when I ask. We, better than anyone else, know that regular looking people walk around with serious burdens.

    So, now I’m in an odd spot. I can’t expect understanding if I lie about my well-being… but now I feel like I’m burdening people with the truth.

    There are never easy answers.

  • Nan J.

    Love this article! I’ve decided we need to remove that question (how are you?) from our cultural greeting!! Most people don’t want to know, if they’re not in one of the 6 medical offices you frequent. One of the receptionists I see regularly doesn’t really want the medical info, and gets too concerned with the truth–very confusing. Sometimes I use a question back–I need to come up with more stock responses without giving a response to how I am, b/c I really try to be honest. I’d love to hear ideas from others who can’t truly say “I’m fine!” Reminds me of Sally Fields’ answer in Steel Magnolias at the funeral of her daughter—and sometimes I have that much anger & frustration at the question.

  • Tracy

    Yep, I’ve found I use “I’m fine” way to often. But I shocked myself today…after running up and down the stairs because the elevator was broke the ADA Coord asked if I was ok. I actually replied “No I’m not”. She had a surprised look on her face. What was she expecting me to say after watching me drag my leg around with me? I had to laugh, because her response to that was “Have you tried Ibuprofen?” If only that was the cure all!! I guess I’ll go back to “I’m fine” except with those closest to me.

  • Kimberly

    Thank you! This is a soapbox I could practically live on!

    My response is usually “I’m here.” That’s neither a lie nor the whole truth. If they care to enough to dig a little deeper, depending on who it is, I normally say “I just take it a day at a time. Today happens to be one of my (good or bad inserted here respectively) days. Hw are you?” I find people find out just enough and know that I am coping. And if I have a certain look on my face, that they should know better than to even ask 🙂

  • Jen

    Another I’m fine and I’m from Minnesota too!! I loved this article….I received a t-shirt from a relative with a dead cow on it and it said “I’m fine”…..

    This article hit home for me in a big way!!! It made me realize that I’m not alone in the “fine family!” Who knew!!

  • Sheila

    I am with Michelle, I almost always say, “Oh, I’m hanging in there.” Even my family members don’t want to know I really feel on any particular day. I have actually had one of my daughters say “I can’t deal with this, I am getting off the phone now, call your mother” all because I broke down while talking to her about nothing remotely related to Fibro. I was just very emotional that day. But yes, it is much easier to say you’re ok even when you are far from it.

  • CarlyRM

    I’m with Tracie, it seems like most people just ask out of habit and don’t actually want to know. Which is fine, like talking about the weather, or what have you. “How are you” has become just a phrase people say to pass the time and seem polite. So I usually just say fine and keep going on with my day, too. Then when something does happen and it’s too much for me and I have to go home sick, or to the ER or whatever, nearly everyone is totally shocked.

  • Michelle

    For me, it’s, “I’m hanging in there.” My grandmother (who just turned 100 and still walks a mile every day – I wish I took after her) tells me I shouldn’t say that because “that’s what the old people around here say.” *sigh*

  • Tracie

    I say “I’m fine” because it seems like no one really gives a damn about my truth. I share that truth with those I *KNOW* care about *ME*.

    Good article. Thanks for reminding us we’re not alone.

  • Yeah..that Minnesotan nice we have, uff da. I totally understand.

  • Oh can I identify with this, thanks! I love your analogy of the beaver urine…I am so burned out on well meaning friends telling me freaken herbs, yoga, etc. is going to make me feel better and look at me like it is all in my head!

  • Dottie Balin

    Agnes, great article. Very true and I can definitely relate. I have Lupus, MS, Fibro etc. I do the same thing. I say “I’m fine” even though I am not. Like you, I think it is simpler and then you don’t have to explain about how you really feel when they don’t understand what you are taking about. Thanks for sharing 🙂

  • Jill D

    Sometimes I say “I’m fine” because it’s just none of their business. Or because I don’t want to be thought of as a hypochondriac. Or because I just don’t want to focus on the pain, nausea and what not. Or because I’ve already told six others that day and I’m not a weather girl, I don’t give constant updates.
    Great article!

  • Kris

    I totally identify with this quandary. This is something I have given a lot of thought to before, because I didn’t like going around saying I was fine, when I was not.

    My solution was a switch my auto-response to that question. I now say: “I’m okay.” I feel so much better about that small little change in words. I’m not lying to them, or to myself, but I’m not going into some unwelcome rant about how I really feel. Basically, I look at it like this: no I’m not fine, but if I’m out and about and seeing someone that asks me how I am, then I must be in some state of “okayness.” If I wasn’t “okay”, I’d be home in bed or on the couch, curled up in my comfy clothes and blanket. (Unless of course, I was having a hot flash… oh the joys of Fibro…)

  • Bethan

    I am guilty of doing this every day. You have written exactly how i feel.

  • Excellent piece Agnes. I identified with every word as I am 100% guilty of doing this…a lot.

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