“Thanks for asking…but I’m fine.”

 

“I’m fine.” We say those words multiple times a day. How often does anybody ever really mean them? For those of us living with invisible chronic illnesses, do we ever mean it? If we don’t mean it, then why on earth do we say it?

We say I’m fine because it’s what’s expected of us, because how often does the other person really want to know (and even if they say they do, they certainly don’t mean they want an in depth analysis every single time they ask). We say I’m fine because we really don’t want to go into the myriad of appointments this month or the inconclusive tests, or the trial and error of medications. We say I’m fine because we don’t want to hear, yet again, the saga of how Great Aunt Muriel cured her Lyme’s Disease by drinking beaver urine and maybe, just maybe, it would help you too.

It’s easier to say I’m fine than say I’m tired, nauseous, every joint in my body hurts, I miss solid food, and I’m sick of being sent from specialist to specialist and feeling like a pincushion only to have people look back and say you’re always sick or what are you doing to yourself to keep having all this happen to you. Maybe if you did this… Or to be faced with looks of pity because you’re sick and they feel helpless because you being sick is hard for them.

I say I’m fine because maybe if I say it often enough, I might start to feel a little bit fine. I say I’m fine because I wish I was, because I want to be, I want to believe that someday I can be. I say I’m fine because it’s easier than the alternative, because I don’t want to lose anybody else because they’ve decided they don’t want to have the sick girl as a friend.

That’s the beauty of an invisible illness. You can say you’re fine because no one can see that you’re not. If I was covered with green and blue dots, it would be harder to hide, but I’m able to masquerade as a healthy person. So when you ask, I’ll probably keep saying I’m fine regardless of how I feel. Of course, Minnesota Nice may come into play in some of this, since chances are, even if you see me cradling my severed left arm in my right, I’m probably still going to smile and say I’m fine if you ask me how I am.

Article written by Staff Writer, Agnes Reis

Agnes is a nursing student in Minnesota. She was diagnosed with CFIDs in 1999 followed by fibromyalgia the following year, along with lifelong allergies, asthma and migraines. She can be found at brigid22.wordpress.com or @brigid22 on twitter, but cautions twitter followers that there’s a heavy dose of sports and nursing along with the spoons.  

©2024butyoudontlooksick.com
←  Older Comments
 →
  • Mike Vaughan

    FIBROMYALGIA THE INVISIBLE ILLNESS

    why do people look at me when i am cracking up inside
    they think i’m well when i am not, this cruel illness we hide
    You see a smile upon my face, no mobility problems or pain
    i seem lazy to others if cannot do something over and over again.
    You cannot see just what I feel, all over uncontrollable pain
    Pains that come and go lasting day and night, i can never feel the same.
    how long can i go on, as others who only see what they can see.
    inside this pain is leaving me weak, I wish i could be free. Each day is not the same, sometimes feel quite well but on almost on other days is just like a living hell

    We must make others aware of this, as suffering in silence is no option or solution. Spread the word, make others aware, and join the revolution.

    BY MIKE VAUGHAN C2019

  • Bootsy1954

    i’m so happy that i stumbled upon this site/article. my problem is that i’ve always been completely honest about how i feel. i’m devastated to learn from my son recently that i’m viewed as a “complainer”!!if anyone can help me w/generic terms to change the way others view me it would be really helpful and greatly appreciated.THANX!!!!!!!!! 

  • Emjay Turner

    Fine=F***ed up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.  Sounds like some of my fibro flare days…:)

  • rayon

    I love love your article but hate how I feel. People don’t understand what it is to be as normal as can be one day and the next morning you wake up not feeling well. If someone had told me I would have been this sick at 27 I wouldn’t believe them. I have been to as much doctors as my fiances would allowed. I have even been to the public Hospital but I don’t think the doctors I saw even care. One doctor look at my file and told me “you could loose your job”Oh really thank you for your educated suggestion.
    Hey, and what about your employers who you slave and went beyond the call of duty for, where is the love. In my country there is a saying you “when you dead and gone they will find someone to replace you”.I spend my whole always doing right thinking someday, one day I would truly have true happiness. Well you know what I do have happiness, I have lost all my fake friends and family and kept those who truly love me. I am bless and I know I will eventually find out what is wrong with me but until then I am going to live as best as I can.

  • ChrisB

    Wonder if Minnesota Nice works out the same as British Understatement?
    I generally go with “Meh” or “Not dead yet”. I always found that the problem with “fine” or “ok” is that people will generally believe you unless they know you well enough to look for the grey face and wobbly legs.

  • Bonnie W

    Great article. I have Primary Progressive MS & Fibromyalgia.’I’m Fine’! Use it often.For close friends,started using ‘let’s just skip that, how are YOU!” B’cuz I Care abt THEM! It’s worked nicely & no lying involved!

  • I suffer from asthma, epilepsy, autism, anxiety and depression. I’m also constantly physically ill and spend a lot of time in bed.

    I have to use a walking stick if I’m out and about because epilepsy affects balance and co-ordination. Without it people glare at me for using disabled toilets, or they make me stand on the bus or train when I can’t stand for long periods.

    In many ways I’m grateful to have a disability (epilepsy) which is recognised as something that keeps me out of work – meaning that everybody knows I’m not actually lazy – but I miss my job as a care assistant to the elderly and wish I could still work instead of slobbing around the house getting frustrated.

    I often think my in-laws must become tired of hearing about how fine I’m not when they talk to my husband; if they talk to me I do the same as you do – I grit my teeth, smile and say “I’m fine”.

  • Denise

    Loved the article. Just spent the day ‘helping’ friends worse off than myself, or so I try to convince myself. Now I’m hyped up on pain meds and wondering how they are fairing. Before I was home ten minutes, had two people call to ask for information and advice. But because it doesn’t show, the doctors and people with the authority to say that I should be well, decide that I should be out working and I’m just being lazy.

  • Linda

    Thank you for this article. I can’t count how many times I have said “I’m fine”.
    Usually I say ” I can’t complain. It wouldn’t do me any good anyway.”
    I just dread the looks that say your just a whiner, get over it all ready!

  • Megan

    This is the best thing I’ve read in quite a while!

  • glasscannon

    This could be me, too, not surprisingly. Though I’ve started to use “fine” to mean “neither good nor bad”. I use “not bad” just as often. Chances are, if it’s a bad day, I won’t be out of the house at all, so I rarely get asked how I’m doing when I’m really at my worst, at least not by anyone who doesn’t already know all the gory details.

    On the other hand, I’ve made a concerted effort to say “I’m GREAT!” when I really am. When the sun is shining, when I slept great last night, when it’s a good hair day. The day I wake up and realize I haven’t had to take pain meds for three days in a row, and maybe, just maybe, this might be a remission. Or even just when it didn’t take half my spoons just to get out of the house. Yes, I may be in pain again by bedtime, but if right now I don’t hurt, am not too tired, am not downtrodden by the endless litany of doctors and tests, then I say so. It makes me appreciate those days.

    It can be as off-putting to people as an honest “I feel like death warmed over” answer can, I’ve found. I’ve visited Disneyland (I live nearby) with my cane, medicated from here to Tuesday, and with my husband helping me navigate even curbs — but smiling from ear to ear because at that moment I’m not in pain, I appreciate how great my husband is, and I’m in *Disneyland*. I’ve had people do double takes at my smile, and it cracks me up.

    I don’t generally think of myself as an optimistic person — dealing with chronic illness requires you to be a realist — but if I don’t force myself to recognize and appreciate the times I really am better than fine, the illness is that much more difficult to deal with. The “I’m great!” days help break up the years and years of doctors, tests, medications, and long pain-filled evenings.

  • Mary Guillory

    It’s Hard to say NO!!

    You called today!You asked how I was?I said I was fine!I wasn’t!

    You needed my help!I said ok!Just let me know when!I should have said no then!

    Its hard to say no when you want to be there for the family who loves you and for who you care!

    You say to yourself… Oh do I have the strength? Can I really do this and go the length?

    Some days its hard to move and you wonder what you are trying to prove!Your heart wants to help and you can only hope your body will get into the groove!You take a deep breathe and plunge straight ahead hoping for the best,but you knowthat you will have to spend the next couple of days catching up on your rest!

    It’s funny how things seem so simple, You think oh that won’t take much energy!But things have changed, what use to take very little energy now takes ALOT!You don’t realize it will take more energy than you have got!

    You want your life back! You realize how blessed you were before to be able to do it all!!But now you have to be careful, you feel so small!You count your blessings, it could be so much worse!But you still wonder why you have to face this curse!

    You learn as they say, not to sweat the small stuff and if others don’t understand that’s just tough! You only hope what you can do now is enough!-

    .

  • Joe

    I dread that question. Do I tell the truth and be thought the constant complainer? Do I just lie and say that I am doing great? Actually what I do is say “gettin’ by” or “day at a time” or “Hay how about this weather?” or maybe “aw, you don’t want to know or why should I complain?” and quickly change the subject or ask a question back. After all, it’s just a greeting and most people really don’t want to know or even care. What I really want to say sometime is that life, for the most part, has been a festival of pain and only a fool would stay here and take it. But I am a fool and there are one or two things that I want to accomplish yet, pain or not. Hang in there people. (but not literally)

  • tk

    This article actually made me tear up. I could have written this.
    I lost a boyfriend who said he loved me because “It was all just too much” and some of the close friends that I had been open with have conveniently disappeared. My boss knows the details of my medical problems, but if I come in later to work (I’m a grad student with no set hours) he seems completely confused and asks me if I’m really committed to my project. You can only explain that throwing up and writing in pain for a few hours delays leaving the house for work so many times before you start to wish you really were just careless and lazy. Anyhow, if I’m actually in a place where I’m able to converse with someone I just say “could be worse”.

  • Monica

    I just found this article, it is so true, we all say we are fine, but were not, most people dont even wait for your answer, before either moving to next subject or walking away, whats the point in saying how you truely feel they really dont want to know, it makes them feel better for asking, thanks for sharing, love Monica xx

  • Andi

    I stopped saying “I’m fine” a long time ago. Just can’t bring myself to do it. I have come to hate what used to be a very simple and meant-to-be-polite social nicety. I used to say “Crappy. How are you?”

    But I’ve been trying to be nicer so I now, like Stacey, will turn the question back on the asker. Though yesterday I was walking all bent over and sideways, my face was all squinched up and was obviously in a lot of pain. So when a coworker chirpily asked “How ya doin’ today!?” all I could do was just ignore him and walk on by. He took offense and called me an asshole. Sometimes we just can’t win.

    …just peachy 🙂

  • Corvette Don

    Great article, right on the money!
    I always get the feeling others fail to appreciate just how serious and life threating my SLE is.

  • This is one of my favourite posts, in fact, I did a paper on this exact subject some years ago. If I could count how many times I heard the words – I’m fine’, it would take me all year to calculate.

    Great post!

  • les mitchell

    Someone asked how I was today (I’ve got MS) and I said cool thanks.
    Then turned to leave and crumpled to the floor 😀

  • Mona Casselman

    My standard on the less than good days is “Ambulatory.” Sometimes “and reasonably cognizant.”
    “Better than the weather” or the reverse, “Worse than the weather…”
    I also like, “Still here!”
    “Better after a latte” is also good. Gives an answer that is not an answer, you know?
    Some people get a smile and a shrug and I just ask how THEY are.
    If I am feeling particularly honest, “Shitty. And you?”
    Ahhh, the social formalities!!

  • Stacey

    True statement. All of it.

    Some days, if I can’t muster up the lie of “I’m fine” for whatever reason, I simply don’t answer. I just quickly turn back to the person asking and turn their question on them as though I had already answered and it was now their turn.

    “Hi Stacey. How are you today?”
    “Oh hey, so-and-so. How are you?”

    Works well for me when I can’t say I’m fine one more time for the day. But 99% of the time, a simple “I’m fine” is a great catch all. It’s funny how we adapt, seemingly for ourselves, but really just as much for everyone else.

  • MiniMorg

    This article couldn’t have said it better for me. I recently started a topic on the forum about this very thing. I think some good advice I got was to just answer back with “and you?” when they ask that question and half the time they don’t even notice what you have done.
    I get this question all the time, every day at work and even when I feel like death I just automatically reply with “fine thanks”.
    Last time I told the truth to a colleague and said I was feeling bad and when she asked why I gave her a VERY VAGUE description and she was uncomfy and shifted in her seat.
    I also always get “Oh your ill AGAIN? Figures”
    And I’ve had by my own mother “but you were fine yesterday”. This is after telling her I wasn’t well at all but she just blocked it out. Its just not what people want to hear regardless of if they ask how well you are.
    I think it can get annoying as well when somebody constantly asks and I’m trying to forget how bad I feel.

  • This really hit home for me too.

    As soon as you tell someone that you’re “fine” they get this instant relieved look on their faces like, “That’s awesome to hear. ”

    Sometimes you wonder are they just relieved that you spared them all the miserable details of your life? Or are they just relieved that you may be feeling better.

    Saying I’m fine is just shorthand to me.

  • A friend just showed me your writings. I sufffer from depression. All you wrote could be said about my illness also. Steven

  • Rebecca

    Try “not too bad” which also means not so good. It’s honest, but most people will never catch it.

  • Mel

    I used to say “peachy” but people took that as sarcastic, so I say “alive”, usually they change the subject.

  • revi

    Still breathing…or to take a line from The Dude, “ups and downs, strikes and gutters.”

    Most people don’t really care.

  • Pam

    Thank you SO MUCH for this article! You hit the nail on the head,
    I don’t even want to go into the litany of stuff going on with me, so yep, I say I’m fine. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
    I have a couple of friends left who understand because they’re there too. They are gifts beyond measure.
    Thank you again for saying what most of us are feeling.

  • VICKY

    In one word “EXCELLENT” !!

  • Sandi

    I’ve gotten to the point that sometimes I’ll say,” Do you want the smile and lie or the truth?” I’m gonna have to steal some of Gregg’s top 10 from above….pretty funny.

  • Beth

    A good reply is “I’m all out of spoons today.”

  • Maria

    I’ve been living with MS for over 10 years. I have the re-occurring relapse every other year or lately, every year. So, what I’ve done is disappear & isolate myself so when I venture out again, I’m at my best. So, no one really knows or better yet, those who do know have actually questioned if I’m really sick. Nice, eh?

    Incredibly too, I’ve lost a boyfriend who WAS great for many years & eventually grew tired & now he’s my ex. As far as friendships? Let’s just say that I’ve lost a couple of “friends” of over 20 years because they either questioned my condition or got tired of being dragged down with my depression.

    The good news is that I do not feel a loss where those two are concerned because they are wack jobs anyway. LOL

  • Annette

    Thank you Agnes for a wonderful article, which really hits the nail on the head! And the comments are brilliant also. I usually answer with “Oh, I’m hangin’ in there”, but not saying the rest (and it’s my last thread!) except in my head. Maybe that’s my Minnesota Nice (born & raised in Minneapolis). And now whenever I hear someone answer “fine”, I’ll be thinking of Aerosmith and just smile…

  • littlelulu

    As being a parent of an adult lady , with an autoimmune disease , and horrible other ailments, “I know better than to ask. I see, I observe you daily, I feel the pain, I try my best to help. I would move mountains if I could find the answer. Now ! after years gone by, I hear you cry, in my sleep, as I work away from you, doing laundry and all that is required I hear a ghost cry , a screaming in my mind of you in pain. I never stops. I sleep with your cry in my head, I hear you 24/7 , It doesn’t matter if I am in the home or 400 miles away I hear you always, I now suffer PTSS> But I am OK. But what I will not be OK with is if you hurt yourself or take your being out of my life. That will end me totally , I will never recover from your loss

  • lulu

    As being a parent of an adult lady , with an autoimmune disease , and horrible other ailments, “I know better than to ask. I see, I observe you daily, I feel the pain, I try my best to help. I would move mountains if I could find the answer. Now ! after years gone by, I hear you cry, in my sleep, as I work away from you, doing laundry and all that is required I hear a ghost cry , a screaming in my mind of you in pain. I never stops. I sleep with your cry in my head, I hear you 24/7 , It doesn’t matter if I am in the home or 400 miles away I hear you always, I now suffer PTSS> But I am OK. But what I will not be OK with is if you hurt yourself or take your being out of my life. That will end me totally , I will never recover from your loss

  • Heather Bryant

    Agnes, I think you were reading my mind! Every word is true and I have to agree that we have been raised to ask how someone is without realizing that we really don’t want all that info!! Thanks for this!

  • Gregg

    I use several on the people that seem to ask because they know of no other greeting than, “How are you?” even though they know you deal with health issues and really don’t want to know the details or just nosy enough to ask to see what you will say.
    The top 10 are:
    1. I am 6 ft. on the right side of the earth.
    2. I am breathing.
    3. Alive, and you?
    4. My doctors have advised me not to answer that question until further notification.
    5. Which you? the healthy one or the sick one?
    6. Daily dying just like the rest of the world.
    7. Fine, I wrote my will out today.
    8. Mentally contagious, so I will not share.
    9. Fine! and if I am lying I’m dying!
    10. The short version? incurable, but other than that I am fine.

    Of course, with some people you just have to smile big and assure them life is just wonderful so they don’t have to feel imposed on by your illness.

  • Layla

    We are all obviously operating on the same wavelength! I wrote a journal entry on this topic a few weeks ago, after going to a care-provider’s office and being asked by the receptionist how I am doing. All I could think of at the time was something along the lines of, “I’ve been wearing the same sweat pants for two days, haven’t showered in the same amount of time, can’t wear a bra because it hurts too much and am hobbling into your office. How the heck do you think I feel?!” I think that what I actually said though, was, “Completely not wonderful.”

    I propose an alternative greeting to the “how are you doing” pleasantry. How about saying, “I’m glad to see you today!” It does not require that the person you are greeting feels required to lie to you (although you might be telling a little lie yourself-LOL!) and still acts as a lovely social lubricant. After all, we all want to hear that others are happy to see us.

    By the way, I think this is an especially meaningful greeting for/between “spoonies”, too. If someone sees us, it means we are out of bed/off the couch/not in the hospital, right?!

    So from now on, I for one shall not use the standard, but shall be modeling the behavior I would like to see-eventually, I hope it will come back around to me!

  • Wow. You hit the nail on the head. Thank you for sharing this with us!

    Miranda Stein from NY

  • Corie

    Ah, Minnesota Nice… yes! It does factor. I love this article, it is so so so TRUE!!!! However, you can normally count your who your truly good close circle of friends are, …because those are the friends that you let in beyond “I’m fine..”

  • Jeanine

    I’m glad someone put what I’ve been feeling in words!! So many friends don’t understand the complex problems I am facing on a day to day basis. I’ve developed these problems over the face of about 10-15 years. It started with my thyroid and hormones. I have PCOS(poly-cystic ovarian syndrome), Hashimoto’s(autoimmune disorder with thyroid), fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis in my neck, hands, knees, recently diagnosed with Raynauds, scleroderma…not sure on type yet, but looks like sine scleroderma(connective tissue disease, also another autoimmune disorder). So, when people come up to me and say “How are you doing or feeling?” I don’t want to go through all my problems, I’ve been trying to say, “I’m okay.” Just as many before me have stated, it works and I’m not lying. I just am tired of people not understanding that I could have all these things wrong with me and still look like I’m okay. My mom went through the same thing, and on the day she died she still didn’t look too bad for someone with lung cancer, sarcoidosis…..on and on!! thanks for this article!

  • sammi

    My response is always “I’m good for a girl, thanks.”

  • Maureen

    Thank you so much for this most excellent article. I can really relate. I have often referred to those of us living in the sickness as compared to those outside the sickness. It can sometimes be scary to let the “others” in but sometimes all I want is for them to come in and get it. However, my experience is most people just can’t get it. I don’t always blame them.

    I love Kathy’s response of Absolutely Indescribable!!!

    I have chronic migraines, Fibromyalgia & Chronic Fatigue Syndrome all o which are invisible except when I need to use my cane and then everyone jumps and says, “What happened?!?!?!”

  • I use the “just peachy!” line a lot. It makes people laugh. And other times I’ll look ’em straight in the eye and ask “Do you REALLY want to know?” but that’s only if I think the discussion will be of value. For instance if I know my MIL wants me to do something for her. That way we can figure it out and compromise.

    But my FAVORITE reply to a how ya doing question is….

    “Absolutely Indescribable!”

    I crack myself up with that one. I’ll take humor where ever I can get it 🙂

  • Carla

    I usually say “I’m okay” because “I’m fine” reminds me too much of the Aerosmith song F.I.N.E. I’m hoping that most of you knows what that means!

  • Barbara

    This article and the comments struck a chord with me. I thought I had a great group of friends. We all checked in with each other and listened to each others woes. I am down now to my faithful sister and two friends. I am grateful to have them. The comments from the others just hurt. “oh I didn’t realize you are STILL sick” or, like someone said above, ” I miss the old Barbara”…..well I miss her too. I have tried not to be a whiner. I answer with a touch of positive…but the phone doesn’t ring and I don’t hear from them. I have Lyme disease. I hope to get better-but now is when I needed them. The one closest to me, I told her. She just wasn’t able to be there for me. I believe God is with me and as I go thru this, I hopefully will be able to take what I have learned and help others. Thanks for letting me vent.

  • Iris

    I loved your article, Agnes! It really hit home with me. When someone asks “How are you”, I frequently say, “Coming Along, How are You?”. Either they will inquire further, or they will change the subject. I used to be honest, but I’ve found that people really don’t want to hear the true answer, except your very closest few friends or some family. I feel more isolated as time goes on, so I am very happy I found this website, where people really “get it”. I am so glad that I am not alone, with my invisible illnesses or as I say multiple challenges. I have chronic pain from cervical spondylosis with myelopathies, recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia, eye and vestibular problems and possible lupus. I have been a silent spoonie and really appreciate this website and all the great articles!

←  Older Comments
 →