Parenting From The Couch

 

Lauren Bacall once said “I’m not a sedentary person. I’ve always been active.” I stumbled upon this quote when tinkering online while my kids played and was something I could relate to back in the day. I say that with a wistful look as I can no longer say I’m that active person. For me I have resigned myself to what I like to call “Parenting from the couch.”

How can this be you ask? Why would I let anything stand in my way of doing what I want, when I want to do it? It’s not that simple but nothing ever really is in life, especially with a chronic, never ending illness. Having three kids all under the age of 6 takes a lot out of a so called healthy person but it makes raising them a bit more tricky when you don’t feel all that great. I say tricky but not impossible which is where the couch, the bed or the floor in some cases comes into play, literally.

We all have our bad days. You know when you wake up and feel like you have been hit with a mack truck. In my case, every joint hurts, I’m stiff and my patience for anything goes right out the window. Of course, these days always tend to hit at the most inopportune times, like when my oldest has a busy day at school or when my husband is busy with activities outside of his work and all the responsibilities fall to me. My bullheadedness comes out on those days and I adapt. My kids may not have the healthiest meals that day and they will likely watch too much TV but they also know they can crawl into my lap with a book or snuggle with me when body decides to bless me with a low grade fever. One of the best things I have used on these days is kids exercise videos. My kids go nuts over them and it gets their energy out while I watch them from my recliner. I consider that a win for all of us and a sanity saver for me.

Sure my kids may not get to do all the activities I see other parents take their kids to and at times does make me wonder if I am doing them a disservice. At the same time “parenting from the couch” has afforded me something with my kids many don’t get, quality time with a parent. They see me persevere when things get tough and they learn to adapt when things don’t quite go their way. Living with a chronic illness is not easy. Raising kids with one is even harder but being able to appreciate the little things that I can do for them make it all worth it in the end.

 

Article written by staff writer, Christina Stevens

 

Christina is married with 3 young children while managing moderate to severe Rheumatoid Arthritis. While technically a stay at home mom, she volunteers as instructor chair for a weekend event with Women in the Outdoors, an amateur radio operator and writer. You can find her on twitter at @ss_sunset or on Facebook at @ss_sunset.

©2024butyoudontlooksick.com
  • Lisa

    Thanks so much for writing this! My laptop lives on my coffee table, next to my rocking chair. This is where I spend most of my time. I’m not a whole lot of fun now that I can’t just up and take off with the kids whenever they want to, but my rocking chair and laptop make it so that I can be involved in every day things.

    That being said, there’s a sink full of dishes, and a floor that needs to be swept and mopped to make up for this weekend. I’m almost out of “spoons” for the day, but I can’t bear to have my boyfriend call me lazy or threaten to leave again. 🙁

  • Mildred

    Thank You for this story. I have a lot of lazy days, and a mother of 3 boys it’s hard to be lazy. My boys don’t get my disease “LUPUS”. To them it’s mom just wants to sleep, but also having them in my life they force me to have to get up and do things. It’s good to know that i’m not the only “lazy” mom out there…Thanks for you post..

  • christine

    I love this! today is a couch day… and we do movies and make it special.

  • Karen Vasquez

    Thank you for writing this. This is something I feel so guilty about. My ex used to make me feel terrible about what he referred to as my “laziness” 3 years after leaving him, I still hear that “L” word in my head. If you let someone say something to you enough, well, at least I believe it. I don’t anymore and i’m working on getting it out of my subconscious. Thank you again for writing it. When I get these feelings, I will re-read your post.

  • Abigail

    Thank you so much for sharing this. I am 29, fibro, major depression, chronic migraine syndrome. Recently, we decided that we wanted to try and start our family, which of course meant stopping the medications that have helped me be “normal” for quite a while now. As I deal with the withdrawal symptoms, I wonder if this is a good decision, if my dreams of having children need to be placed aside because of my illnesses. My mother was also a spoonie – bipolar, fibro, diabetes, COPD…and many more on top of that! I adjusted, but I wonder, is it fair to make my children deal with the same thing? Reading everyone elses stories help me believe that there is hope for us spoonies to be able to do these simple normal things!

  • Jolene

    My children are 7 & 4 1/2. I tell people I am teaching my children to be self-sufficient. This is true & they are learning valuable life lessons. However, the bigger truth is that most of these “life lessons” were out of neccessity via verbal instructions from the couch or bathroom. Especially in the past year, Crohn’s has been in charge of too many aspects of my life. I am in mourning for the 110% energetic on-top-of-everything mother I once was. Now it’s too many days stuck at home, a home I once kept immaculate but no longer have the energy to do. I rarely wrestle/rough house with them anymore & WORST OF ALL my little cuddle bugs are independently learning to keep a safer distance as a result of them unintentionally causing me more pain upon contact with my always tender abdomen. I doubt either will remember the mother they should have had…the “before me” I miss beyond words.

  • Kayla

    It sounds like you do a good job & have the kids best interest in mind. I understand this completely. I am a single mom with a 10-year old who has a few of her own complications. I have RA & work full time as a nurse. Somedays I just pray to God to make it through the day. I have a great support system though & she is an understanding child most of the time. This definitely hits home & helps me feel a little less guilty. Thanks for sharing!

  • Lara

    i fondly remember playing sit and seek with my four kids when i was relatively “well”.

    Sit and seek rules? well, you lay on the couch, they hide, and you scream out “are you hiding under your bed???” they answer, then you inquire “are you hiding in your closet?” and so on….

    that was back in the days when the mysterious symptoms were not tied together in one big knot and all blamed on “gee ma’am you do have four children-no wonder you are fatigued, maybe you should take a walk.”
    imagine that? A walk, the ultimate cure! And they charged me for that information? Condescending idiot drs…….

    we do the best we can. that’s all that’s required. the very best that you can. kids are quite adaptable as you said, and there are life lessons they are acquiring from you, namely empathy and kindness and patience, tender heartedness.

    Life’s hard enough -no guilt trip required.

  • Kelly

    Thank you for sharing your story…I too, parent from the couch, more than I’d like and your article made me feel much better about it. Thanks! 🙂

  • Tonya M.

    Thanks so much for sharing this! I too have 3 very active boys under the age of 8- who, needless to say, require much attention and monitoring. :0) There are those days that I can barely even make it to the couch…but I force myself (when possible) so that I can be the best mom I can be. Sometimes the guilt and frustration is overwhelming…I WANT to do so much but my body simply will not allow it. That is when I have to sit back, take a deep breath and remember what all I have ot be thankful for. Reality is what it is, but even in the midst of chaos, frustration and pain…we are truly blessed. We have wonderful children that love us simply beacuse we are “Mom”.

  • Crystal

    Being pregnant with my first I know this method of parenting is in my future. I’m always glad to read about how kids of spoonies turn out so well. Looking back I too am a child of a spoonie, my mom battled severe depression and undiagnosed ptsd. I learned to play on my own and help at a young age.

  • Believe me, your spending time with them, loving them and not berating them constantly and picking on them is worth far more than you know. Sounds like they are going to have less TV time than the ones that get neglected and ignored and you’re finding runarounds to let THEM get some physical activity even when you can’t. This is stellar.

    I’d have pulled out my milk teeth with pliers if I’d had a mom like you, as long as you noticed the limp and didn’t force the exercise when I wasn’t able to do it, didn’t scream at me to stand up straight when my back wasn’t shaped that way. You’d probably have been a lot more understanding about the things I couldn’t do and encouraged all the things I could do sitting still.

  • Cassie

    Hi. I am 26 and have RA and Fibro. I am married and we want kids. I have always wanted childeren but have been debating weather it is a good idea or not. Reading your posts have given me hope that if we do have children that I can still be a good Mom. Thank you.

  • Barbara B

    Thank you for this post Christina, it actually brings back many fond memories for me when I was a parent from the couch.
    I fondly remember the kids, mine and their friends coming to visit me in my room or recliner with the stories of the day. I became a sounding board for many of them and was always told I was the cool Mom. All I had to do was listen.
    I fondly remember my daughter or a friend of hers reading Harry Potter to me or what ever book took our fancy, it of course made her a better reader.
    The kids always brought the new movies to our house and shared them with me, some were not so good but they were there with me and this made them happy and i never fazed them when AI would fall asleep they just promised to bring it over again to watch.
    Many of them learned to do chores, and even cook (with me as the side line coach) at my house, today they thank me for giving them life lessons that they took to college and out on their own. Their parents did not have the time to teach them with their busy life schedule. It taught me a lot also it taught me that I do not need to perfect in everything I do nor does it have to be done my way and these are things I definitely needed to know to go from super Barb to chronically ill Barb, I thank them everyday for their life lesson to me. I love that they all still keep in touch, to this day many years after they have moved on to their own busy lives. Hug Barb
    My life then was very full and totally happy even with all the limitations of chronic fatigue and fibro it allowed me to be the Mom to sdo many wonderful kids I miss that house full of kids

  • Yes! Yes! Yes! I so get this article…thanks!

  • bobbie

    Those of us with chronic illness most of the time do end up with the most tolerant kids. My kids have been dealing with mine illness their whole lives and I got told all the time when they were younger how well behaved they were. Most of the time it was mommy bad day and a trip out to run errands had to be done the kids would give me a break in public. Now my kids are older and do the errands for me and help me with my personal care. Teachers always tell me how helpful they are in class and with their classmates.

  • bobbie

    Those of us with chronic illness most of the time do end up with the most tolerant kids. My kids have been dealing with mine illness their whole lives and I got told all the time when they were younger how well behaved they were. Most of the time it was mommy bad day and a trip out to run errands had to be done the kids would give me a break in public. Now my kids are older and do the errands for me and help me with my personal care. Teachers always tell me how helpful they are in class and with their classmates.

  • Katy

    I can totally relate. I am a mother of 3 and at one point they were all under 6, but are all in school now. I have been sick since I was a kid myself. I feel bad so often because my kids are missing their scout meeting, church, or dance class due to my health. Things have gotten even more complicated now cause my hubby was diagnosed with class 3b heart failure 1yr ago at 32yrs old. Now the both of us are parenting from the couch. People just don’t get it and think we need to do more with them, but at the same time we spend so much more time with them as a family and 1 on 1.

    You always hit the nail on the head and touch me right in the heart.

  • Coming to you from Bed Office, from where I rule the world! With MS and fibromyalgia, I have spent a lot of downtime here over the past 15 years and my kids have grown up with this as the family hub. They are now 27, 23 and 20. Even their friends expect to stick their heads around my bedroom door to say hi – it is right near the front door of our house, so I am always a part of things.

    There have been times when everyone fends for themselves but there have also been many moments of closeness as tthey gather on my bed to chat or watch a TV show with me. Even my son in law has gotten used to this since he met my daughter five years ago.

  • Angela Berry

    Kudos to all of you for your wonderful attitude – you’re an inspiration. I am consumed with mommy guilt for all the things my kids have missed out on because of my exhaustion. I beat myself up and feel that I should’ve tried harder, should’ve pushed farther. At least now I know that it’s not that I’m lazy and worthless, and even though I still don’t know exactly what I have/what is wrong with me that there are others going through the same thing. Thank you so much for the blog and for the comfort that it brings 🙂 Wishing you many spoons!

  • Dayna

    It is so nice to have support. The guilt you feel and how I bet myself up even after being sick for 12 yrs is horrible! & we wont even discuss the crap other say(judgement) about us! Thanx for this article!

  • Myra shoub

    My kids are now adults, but I have such vivid memories of many bad days…The most memorable was the day my colitis was acting up and I could not leave the bathroom. My son, 4 at the time, put his arms up and his head in his arms leaning into the door frame – sobbing because I couldn’t take him to parent-child swimming. Take it from me; Your children will learn resilence, empathy and gain a deep understanding of living with chronic illness. Take it from me – my son runs a direct service program fighting poverty, and my daughter is an inner-city paramedic.

  • Zfrio

    I appreciate your story so much. I’ve been very ill for much of my son’s life, but more so in the past four years. I’ve had to learn that the most important thing is that I am still mom. But even with knowing that, I still have days where I have very strong mommy guilt. As he grows though, I do see that he is learning valuable lessons like kindness, patience, and that people have different levels of abilities, but all have value. Thank you for using some of your spoons to help others like you, like me.

  • Theresia Booth

    Thanks so much. I , also, fall under the same issue except it is from my computer chair. I do what I can and I endure the pain at times so that my son can have as normal a life as I can give him. He loves me nonetheless. Good luck to you!