Overcoming Cleopatra: Becoming More Than The Queen of Denial

 

With apologizes to Yogi Berra, chronic illness is 90% mental, and the other half physical. There are countless studies linking the physical pain to mental pain, and visa-versa. We all have experienced that stress can increase pain levels and that laughter can be a pain reliever. Often, chronic illness patients are encouraged to visit psychologists to help understand how so-called “negative” feelings can impact the physical condition. I, myself, have spent numerous hours with such professionals and I will share the most important thing I have learned: that acceptance of feelings leads to serenity.

Chronic illness brings out a lot of feelings. Hopelessness, frustration, anger, fear, despair, depression, and melancholy are all too common. All this on top of physical pain–it can often become too much to handle. What then? In the past, I ousted Cleopatra of Queen of de Nile. I would concentrate on treating my physical conditions and not pay attention to the feelings that arose which went on for years. After being hospitalized both as a out-patient and as an in-patient, I realized that denial wasn’t a very effective way to deal with thoughts and emotions. After all, having a chronic illness leaves you in a hole so why would you want to keep digging? I learned that part of having a chronic illness was to face both the mental as well as the physical pain.

Facing the feelings and thoughts that arise with chronic illness can be unpleasant and hard. Who wants to really look at how miserable and depressed they are? The phrase that has helped me the most is “I feel.” For example: “I feel left out when I can’t go out with friends” or “I feel frustrated when yet another medication fails to work for me.” You take ownership with your emotions and thoughts with this simple yet powerful phrase. You acknowledge it without judging it, for what you feel is simply what you feel, which allows you to move on from it, rather than being stuck. Soon the “I feels” will become part of your everyday thoughts, and before you know it you simply think to yourself “I feel angry because my hands won’t let me play this video game as much as I would like to today.” By not dwelling on your anger, but acknowledging it and letting yourself feel it, your stress level will decrease and allow you to move on to a different activity that is more doable and that can be now enjoyed freely.

Acknowledging once denied feelings and thoughts is a very powerful way to help manage your chronic illness. It can lead to exploring your thoughts and feelings, whether to another person or in a journal or blog. You can begin seeing correlations between moods and pain levels. You stop fighting and judging yourself over what you’re feeling, and simply be. This new-found serenity can lessen chronic pain, save spoons, and create acceptance of your illness.

Article Written by Staff Writer, Sonja K. Peterson

Sonja is a cat mom with endometriosis and fibromyalgia. She also had a hysterectomy for adenomyosis. She blogs about her experiences at The Mud and the Lotus www.mudandlotus.com

©2024butyoudontlooksick.com
  • Jenna

    It can be frustrating, anxiety producing, and maddening, as people around you adjust as well. Sometimes you want to scream in their faces: “I am the one with the disease–do you not think I might not have done a LITTLE homework???” when yet another “helpful” article is dumped in your inbox “FYI” or “411 because you seemed so “medicated””

    Well, excuse me, I am the one with RSD, I (primarily my neurologist) will decide just how medicated I am. I when you feel the firey pain of RSD every day, 24/7, then you make your own deisions too!

    But you take a deep breath, let it out, a let go, and let God.

  • Sarah Mauldin

    Sonja, what a great article! I have to agree with the other comments posted here – I’ve been working hard on accepting my “fate” and it’s been hard to accept when I can’t do things I used to be able to do. I often feel that I need to be strong for everyone else, that if I am ever down others will just see me as a complainer. I am learning, though! Thanks for the reminder…

  • mo

    Sonja, This is a great post, and congrats for being one of few that were chosen! Good job!

    I have dealt with negative emotions, and tried to just accept myself. Not long ago an aquaintance (notice I didn’t say friend) asked me how I was doing. I know I looked like crap so stupidly I thought she really wanted to know. I simply said that I was not feeling well and that I have had better days. she waved her hand at me and…oh gee, you’re ALWAYS sick.

    Thank you very much for your concern I thought. If you don’t want to know then don’t ask me!

    mo

  • Stacy Adkins

    This article came at exactly the right moment! I also have had a hysterectomy, endometriosis and fibromyalgia. After years of accepting the emotions that come along with dealing with a chronic illness I have been just slammed by the emotions I am feeling in facing the end of my career due to illness. I am, for the first time, going to a psychologist to deal with the emotional part of being ill. It is so nice to be reminded that I am not alone!

  • Crystal

    This article and the comments remind me that I need to work on accepting and adjusting again. Mentally I’ve been doing good for almost 5 years but that changed when I learned a week and half ago that I’m pregnant, not planned. Between freaking out about the meds, being taken off 3 of my 5 meds and body changes I’ve been a mess. And it looks like nothing will be changing any time soon so I need to figure out a new way to do things and remember what I learned when I was at my worst 4 years ago. Thankfully I have a wonderful man to lean on when I need it.

    Time to re-learn to be the best sick person I can be.

  • Dale

    I struggled with the concept or the word acceptance. I’m not sure which part wasn’t working for me. It was like trying on shoes or clothes that didn’t fit. I felt like it was a shirt that just didn’t fit. Nothing wrong with the shirt, nice shirt, doesn’t fit me.

    I decided to try on some different concepts and see what does fit. I found that adapt and adjust fit me fine. Maybe that’s how I’m learning acceptance?

    If you’re getting good advice but you struggle with a certain word that’s being used…replace that word with a word that isn’t causing struggle inside you.

  • Cathy

    Thank You, I really needed to hear that

  • Good article. Addressing how we really feel is very important. I personally get very frustrated when people tell me to keep my chin up, or that I should always ‘be positive’. Yeah, a positive attitude is good, but how can I truly have a positive attitude if I don’t first address the less fun feelings when they arise. This is reality. We have crappy days. Sometimes we feel crappy, emotionally. Occasionally, I think it’s even healthy to throw a little pity party…just don’t hang out until your tissues turn to mushy confetti balls. Experiencing the ‘negative’ stuff is part of the process. Feeling grief for what is lost; for the things one can no longer do (at all, or very often) is a valid experience. To say one has to always be positive is to deny that grief; to say it doesn’t really matter. Well, it DOES matter. I give these ‘negative’ things their due respect. I experience them without dwelling on them. Then I find positive things to dwell on. I look for avenues that were, perhaps, closed to be before somehow. There are actually positive things that I am experiencing now that I was unable to before my disabilities became so severe. For those, I am grateful.

  • Wow did l need to read this today…its the kick up the backside l needed ..trying to be all l was ,to all ..today l crashed l was told off for running a hotel kitchen in my house..( my adult kids can aparently feed themselves) BUT thats my role lM A MUM!l want to care, to be there …but all the while hurting and pretending ALLS OK!!
    l know its bad when my Pacing/pain management learnt years ago at cognitive thereapy…AINT WORKING lm spoonless and in bed..
    but as an aside..when people ask you how are you ? you say ok or fine thanks..( surly they can see how you feel on your face…) they say ok good…fine lm pleased..
    BUT if you say l feel bad today or l have had a bad week they look at you say ohhh! and cant get away quick enough..so really you learn to pretend….to keep up..and not be the nutter with a bag of spoons …as you can read lm down today..sorry x

  • Michelle jadaa

    This is so meaningful for me right now.I have promised myself that this year i must have more balance,more serenity in my life.I have to take care of me before i can be of any use to anyone else.

  • Very true…

    Acceptance is something I’ve been working towards for 2 years now…I would always feel so guilty for feeling anything other than happy and positive because I felt I had to be this super strong woman for everyone else.

    I learned quickly that that was way too taxing on me and now I work on acknowledging my feelings and writing about them.

    It helps tremendously and also shows me things I never even knew I was feeling!

    Thank you for sharing this with us 🙂 I needed the reminder.