I’m so sorry you lost your friend. After being sick for more than half my life, I too plan my activities around how I feel. Severe fibromyalgia and chronic daily migraines have been with me so long that I cannot remember what normal felt like. Over the past year I have developed painful arthritis in my hands that has hindered my go-to form of relaxation – crochet. Yes, I’m sick, but the conditions I have aren’t really life threatening; more like life impacting. My husband, who had worked as a machinist for 18 years, 9 hours a day, six days a week, had been healthy for as long as I knew him. I wasn’t around for the years he was addicted to cocaine and his rehab. He wasn’t that person anymore by the time I met him. I was going through my 2nd divorce and a nasty custody battle for my 2 kids, and this confirmed bachelor with no kids stepped up, married me, hired a lawyer to help me keep my kids, and then raised them as his own from the time they were 7 and 3. In 1993 we had a son together, who is now 17. We always had pets in our home; cats, dogs, hamsters, 2 aquariums full of fish, and the occasional reptile or two. About 8 years ago my husband got sick. He had developed congestive heart failure, and after a round of bronchitis the virus attacked his heart causing cardiomyopathy. Its been downhill since then, and in addition to the heart problems he has diabetes, high blood pressure, hypoxia, and a plethora of other conditions. The medications he takes every day fill 2 plastic shoe boxes, and now he is supposed to be on oxygen 24/7. When he had to go on disability I went back to work after 13 years of raising kids and dealing with my own conditions that weren’t officially diagnosed until I was 30. It was as if we reversed our roles in the family, with dad staying home and mom going to work. With the kids in school, my husband was lonely at home by himself. He didn’t know what to do with himself, so he played on his computer and smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day. That was when some friends who had adopted a pregnant cat off the streets, gave him a kitten for his birthday. Tiger has been his constant companion for the past 8 years. A couple of years later at an event at City Park he saw the booth the animal shelter had set up and stopped to see the kittens. One was a long haired female that was all black except for the last inch of her tail, which was white. He was holding this kitten when a small child standing next to him pointed at the kitten and said, “She’s a tipsy!” referring to the tip of her tail. He brought Tipsy home with him and had two companions to keep him company. Then my 18 year old son moved back home for awhile with a feral kitten he had rescued, and Troubles was left with us when he moved back to California. About 5 years ago we took a trip to Flagstaff with my aunt and uncle, and my aunt wanted to stop at the animal shelter and see the cats, and we ended up bringing home a puppy who amused herself by growling as she chased her tail around and around. Taz became my husband’s baby, and it broke our hearts when she developed severe epilepsy when she was about 1 year old. Despite medications, she would go into seizure cycles where as one ended another began. She once had 32 seizures in 18 hours, and the seizures were followed by a couple hours of blindness coupled with an instinct to pace back and forth from one end of the house to another, running into walls and getting stuck in corners. Every seizure broke our hearts, and after 4 years the medications for the epilepsy was destroying her liver. She was very sick and was very unhappy, though her love always shined through. We made the painful decision to have her put to sleep and let her go rather than seeing her suffer. My family was heartbroken about it, especially my husband. He loves the cats, but he’s one of those guys who isn’t truly happy without a dog in their life. I took Taz to the vet alone, and held her and told her how very much she was loved until she took her final breath, then cried in my car for 30 minutes before going home. Three months later, my boss who was on the board of directors for the animal shelter knew how heartbreaking it was to let Taz go, and frequently asked how my husband was doing without her. He had been depressed for months. One day my boss brought a puppy into the office with her, and asked if I would take her home overnight (hoping hubby would fall in love with the puppy and adopt her) and I agreed. The overnight turned into a weekend, and the weekend turned into an adoption, and Abby joined our family. She is my husband’s shadow and constant companion, and though he still misses Taz his depression went away. At that point he said, “No more animals. We have enough with 3 cats and a dog…. unless I happen to find a pure white cat.” I laughingly told my boss what he had said during a conversation about the puppy, and 3 weeks later she brought a pure white long-haired ball of fur whose whole body vibrated when he purred in to work. He came from a litter of short haired orange tabbys! Casper joined our family and gradually developed hints of orange on his face that make him look like he has freckles. He sleeps on my husband’s hip at night and the whole bed vibrates when he purrs. So now we have 4 cats and a dog…. and a husband who could die at any time. He’s made me promise that if anything happens to him and the animals become too hard to take care of alone, I have to keep Tiger for the rest of his life. I made the promise. Our pets take him out of his head and obsessing about his health, and give him something else to focus on, keep him company, and provides unconditional love. I believe that pets intuitively know how you feel and respond accordingly. They give us love and comfort, and they make us laugh. Losing one is losing a beloved member of the family, and we grieve just as much when one passes. But they also leave us with memories to cherish for the rest of our lives.

Kelly, I am so very sorry for the loss of your best furry friend. Our dear pets are part of our families and it’s almost too much to bear when they move on.

It’s odd, but somehow needing to hyper-focus (or be forced to) can pull you out of your own head & body long enough to get you through some crises. I’ve also found that because I spend so very much time at home, usually alone with my cats, that merely taking enough meds and getting out occasionally can be a miraculous but short-lived “cure.” Yesterday I had one of those rare Good Days at trip to the zoo where my constant pain was low enough that it was the end of our trip when I was too fatigued to go any further that I realized I hadn’t been hurting nearly as much as usual. Focusing on the animals and positing their lives with my partner took me completely out of my usual method of thinking, which sounds like yours – every decision is made with health in mind. Of course today I’m in bed but yesterday was great.

I’m sorry it took something absolutely terrible to break your pattern of thinking but am happy for you that you didn’t think that way for a few days. Hopefully that doesn’t sound odd.

Kelly, thank you so much for sharing this beautiful insight and the gift Woogie gave you of a spoonie vacation. Last Tuesday we lost our Sydney cat and for that night at the vet hospital and the next day, I, too, was focused only on Sydney, his loss, and the impact on our family, including our dachshund, who is still grieving. I hadn’t thought of that focus as Sydney’s gift to me, but now I do. I was so concerned about the terrible pain he was in and getting him comfortable, which meant he would cross the rainbow bridge. Again, thank you for sharing.

I’m sorry for your loss. We have an older dog who is our only “child”. It’s scary to think about.

I’ve noticed that when I’m out of my element (away from home or around other people) when I get nervous my fatigue either goes away completely or hits me harder than ever. Not sure why that is. Nervous energy? It’s odd, but nice when I have energy to cope in some situations. And sometimes I pay for it (a week in bed, most recently) and sometimes I
don’t. I never know what is going to happen…

Thanks for sharing your story Kelly. I’m a “neighbor” in metro Atlanta and a fellow “Spoonie.” Whatever ails us Spoonies it’s nice to know there’s many others out there who understand our daily challenges and have compassion for how we live each day.

I mourn your losses with you– Woogie, vacations and the rest.
You are wise to know how much we CAN control, including our FOCUS and our thoughts, which can help or hinder tremendously.

Cheers to you and yours!
I wish you a day OVERFLOWING with bright ‘n shiny SPOONS!
Joy J.
Tucker, GA

My husband was diagnosed with a potentially fatal disease in November. I was at a doctor’s appt and unreachable at the time. During my appointment, there was talk of me going into the hospital. Immediately following that appointment is when I learned of his hospitalization. Over the course of the next 5 days I went to the hospital every day, virtually unaware of my mental health, other than to notice that I didn’t notice any problems. That pattern has continued as we work through a plethera of appointments and testing for him. I’ve been stable and in a good place. My doctor is very pleased; it’s been since November! I am, of course, terrified that the other shoe will drop at any moment. My fibro pain hasn’t gone away, but caring for my husband has taken priority.