Life’s Punching Bag

 

I feel like life’s a punching bag. I’m forever knocked down by pain or knocked out by opiates. At least it’s consistent in its beatings. Each day brings the knowledge that something will be off…something will be wrong. I don’t know what it will be, nor do I know the level at which it will disable me, but I do know that I will be punched. Perhaps it’s a really bad day where I get kicked when I’m down. So much pain from joints to the gullet require notorious painkillers to help me feel “normal”.

Then come the side effects. The first punch hits the eyes, causing blurred vision. Then, a punch in the head blindsides you confusing the neurons, spreading fog. Next a punch to the mouth hits, slurring the tongue. Yep, this is “normal” when you spend your life in the boxing ring of chronic illness. Your choice is pain or a foggy outlook.

Sometimes I put up a good fight. Strong in mind, courageous in heart, I shoot off some powerful punches of my own, angry at my relentless opponent and his daily beatings. I fight to have that day among the living. I repress it all to enjoy the laughter of a friend or the sun on my face. Faking it with stylish clothing and layers of makeup, I hear the tune all the others sing: “You look so good, you must be better.” “But you don’t look sick.” “Aren’t you better yet?” I have a choice on how to answer these, but I just stay quiet, tired of answering such well intended ignorance.

All the while, the fight rages on. I hide it well while I’m out, but I can’t wait to get home and lay this beaten body down and repeat the consumption of medicine cocktails. I remove my mask and can again be myself…

The gal who’s in a constant fight with her own body.

 

Article written by staff writer, Sonja McDaniel

 

Sonja is a 38 year old female with an autoimmune issue undiagnosed for 13 years. Living in the SF Bay Area surrounded by a wonderful husband, a mom and all of our rescued critters. She is living proof that you can’t judge a book by it’s cover! Sonja is a self-described punk looking, art making, book reading freak! She goes by sacredjinx on our butyoudontlooksick.com message boards.

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  • Antoinette

    🙂

  • Jenn

    I’m amazed that an article so small can bring tears to my eyes so quickly. This is exactly me. My friends are constantly telling me to wear less make-up, always saying ‘You don’t need it, your beautiful without it all.’ And I always reply with the same answer ‘But you haven’t seen me with out it.’ We both know they have seen me without my make up, but only in the morning and only on good days… But they think those days and bad days!?

    I’m only 16, and I’ve been ill since I was 10, Make-up is my best friend. When I’m in my wheelchair, because I must go shopping for ‘something essential’, I wear sophisticated clothes and beautiful make up and desperately hope that people don’t think I’m…. I can’t think of the word… stupid? no erm…. brain dead? no… not mentally able… that will do.
    I used to me top of my class, now I can barely understand what my friends are on about…

    But you said it perfectly ‘All the while, the fight rages on. I hide it well while I’m out, but I can’t wait to get home and lay this beaten body down and repeat the consumption of medicine cocktails. I remove my mask and can again be myself…

    The gal who’s in a constant fight with her own body.’

    And although I don’t have the cocktail of medication to take, for there’s nothing to me done about my illness, just to wait until it goes away, all the while I life tears it’s self apart…
    Rant over.

    Everyone on this website is utterly inspirational, I found you last night and stayed up ’til 1am reading everyone’s articles. Thank you so much, I’ve remembered that although I don’t like being ill as I am, it could be much worse.

    All my love
    Jenn

  • Alexandra

    I have been suffering from lung pain for the past 2 years now. I am at my wits end with all of this! My lung collapsed in May 2009 and I ended up having a chest tube put in to drain any fluid and inflate the lung again. I have had 2 lung surgeries to keep the lung inflated and now I have a lovely line of staples at the top of my lung and talc blown in to stick the surface up to the chest wall. Since my 2nd surgery in Aug. of 2009 it has been nothing but a struggle to stay sane with the pain I endure each and every hour of every day. I have had about 8 nerve blocks to try and alleviate the pain- nothing works. I have tried every drug on the market for pain and they all either get you addicted or make you feel like crap. There is no happy medium for me anymore. Is anyone else in this predicament after lung surgery or VATS?

    I need answers……

  • Yup.

  • Sandy

    Thanks for the wonderful insights Sonja! You hit the nail on the head with the daily fight comparisons! Thanks for the article.

  • Ann

    Hi Sonja,

    Thanks for the article! I sure can relate…instead of a punching bag, though, I say I feel like I’m walking along on a carpet, knowing it’s going to be pulled out from under me at any time…and when it happens, I’m blindsided. But I keep getting up and moving on, waiting for the next tug.
    Take care!

  • Iris

    Sonja,
    You write beautifully and I can identify with every word you are saying. You have a gift and you have helped me on a day I am feeling extra down. I “work so hard” at feeling better” and “looking good” every day of my life. I get up, I get out, but my body keeps knocking me down.
    Thank you for understanding and writing about this, so others around us may understand. It’s good to know we are not alone.

  • Natty

    Hi Sonja
    Well said!
    I know it sounds weird but I’d like to beat up my friends who say ”you look much better” etc, just once.
    They would get fed up sitting at home and healing.
    They would dress up, put on tons of make up to cover the bruises and go out anyway.
    That is what we do every day and no-one notices or understands the effort!
    If only there was a way of explaining so they would take it on board!

  • Cindi

    What a Fantastic story. You are so Talented. You explained how it feels to be on Pain killers or suffer the consequenses if you don`t take them then you suffer another way. I Find Laughter to be very Helpful when I`m having a bad Pain Day. I get in my Coziest pajamas,heating pad ready,cold pak ready,assorted cold drinks within reach,Comfy blankets & pillow,If possable find a Comfy spot,snuggle down,find a Funny movie,TV show or whatever and L A U G H,L A U G H, L A U G H ! I think your very Interesting as Well as being so Talented & Caring. I look forward to reading more stories or articals by you Soon. Take Care & Be Safe. GOD Bless you. My Friendship,Peace,Spoons,Gentle Air hugs,very best Wishes & PRAYERS Always for You & Your Family/Friends/Pets. I truly hope to make some friends here but it`s Hard to tell,I only heard back once. I`m afraid I come on too strong & sappy But I truly Mean everything I Type,I really do Care & want to help all of you,any way I can. PositiveSpirit/Cindi

  • I get the fighting, even if I don’t fight the same problems the same way. One of these days I plan to get to the Bay area and come hang out, and I won’t mind at all if you’re not with it – half the time I’m not either.