Recently, I learned my husband and I were pregnant with our first child. We were, and are, ecstatic! We have been looking forward to having children for years, and we had been actively trying to get pregnant for months.

I suspected I was pregnant in February and excitedly did 3 home pregnancy tests. All gave the dreaded negative result, and I assumed I had only imagined my physical symptoms. After the third negative home test, I saw my
doctor and had a blood test and as it turns out, we are definitely pregnant!
I am nearing the end of my first trimester, and I have had the full spectrum of symptoms: morning sickness (make that ALL-DAY sickness), extreme fatigue and exhaustion, breast pain and the roller coaster of emotions that often comes with pregnancy. The last part is where I have begun to have a lot of trouble.
My depression has been severe and barely relenting for almost 9 years. I was not surprised when my depression began to worsen at about 5-6 weeks of pregnancy. I would have been surprised if it didn’t. I am getting excellent care and support for my depression, but
my internal life is very unsettling.
For the most part, I have experienced my depression over the years as a very private, dark, lonely struggle. Those very close to me have known when I was in the deepest valleys of despair, but to the outside world, I used
every last spoon I could muster to appear cheery, helpful and happy. I do not mean to imply that I have not had happy moments, even in my darkest periods, but it certainly has often been a struggle to make me seem okay to others.
Now things are getting complicated. My long, mostly invisible illness of depression is starting to become very visible, i.e. my body is starting to show that I am, no doubt, pregnant. It has been said that hiding pregnancy
is about as easy as hiding the hiccups. I concur. As more and more people learn that I am pregnant, I feel more and more pressured to appear nothing but happy, overjoyed, confident and beautiful. But the truth is I feel a range of emotions- from amazing gratitude for this miracle to complete worthlessness. I feel anxious and ugly and as if I have no right to be passing my genetic material on to any poor, innocent soul. Who am I to
receive this gift of a baby? I am depressed, anorexic and full of pain. It is a daily struggle for me to even feel I deserve to breathe air on this gorgeous planet. How am I supposed to reconcile receiving this most precious of all gifts?
On some level, I feel relieved to be showing such an integral part of me. People respond to pregnant women, and in a very real way, I welcome the visibility that pregnancy gives me. But I must say I have been
taken aback by how great the disparity is between the joy of my (obvious) pregnancy and the pain of my deep, secret depression. Just as I become more obvious to the world, and all that means, I become more invisible in my
deepest pain. The irony is certainly not lost on any of you who suffer with an invisible illness.
The coming weeks and months will undoubtedly be filled with surprises, changes and the staples of my psychology, I have come to know so intimately.
My challenge is to stay present as I move through this amazing period of my life, focusing, yes, on the grand prize we’ll receive in October, but staying grounded and attuned to the process of the journey. Whatever life
brings me, I accept and work toward integrating into this complex and brilliant topography of my life.
Written by: Robyn L. Hunter