Very few people truly understand the hardship that a person endures when they are diagnosed with an invisible condition. However, there are the select few individuals that understand the agony of having a chronic condition. Some of them understand because they share the same condition. Others have seen you at your worst, and know every side effect of every medication you have ever been on. These are the people we, as butyoudontlooksick individuals, lean on for support. We depend on family members, friends, and significant others to pull us up in our darkest hours. They wait on us, feed us, sit with us, cry with us, and take care of us. They are the security blanket that keeps us from falling apart. They are our guardian angels.

Then, one was gone. I have been blessed with the most loving and understanding family in the world. There is not a thing in this world that I would not do for my parents or my two beautiful sisters, but someone else was there, despite his prior commitments. When my boyfriend and I broke up, the thought that kept me up at night was that he understood my condition. He understood the pain and embarrassment I went through when I was having a flare, and never once did he laugh or judge me. He was patient when I needed extra time to use the restroom, and he defended me when our other friends never understood. He was my guardian angel. But it was over, and I was scared I would never find that kind of support with anyone else.
However, this essay is not about my loss, but about my gain. When God closes a door, he really does open a window. During our time apart, I spent a lot of time searching for God, and searching for myself. I had been training for a half marathon to raise money for Crohnʼs and Colitis research, and I finally ran the race in July. I remember the early 5am bus ride to the starting line. I was staring out the window, calming my nerves, and it hit me- I made it all by myself. All of those guardian angels I mentioned earlier helped me through it. But thatʼs it. They helped me. They did not do it for me. I won the battle, and now I was about to race alongside some the bravest individuals I will ever come to know. I was not racing for “him”, or for my family, I was racing for me. I was racing for God. I was racing for the cure. I didnʼt lose anything, I gained something- myself. I became my own guardian angel, and reestablished a long lost relationship with the Big Man upstairs. I found myself that day, and discovered that I did have an inner strength that many do not experience.
So what is the point of my little story? Every single person who reads this and who thinks they do not have the strength to fight is wrong. Thatʼs right, you are all wrong. The greatest strength you have is not the support system around you. It is you, and only you. Those who fight an invisible battle have an incredible inner strength that others may never know. Take charge of what you have, and own it. Own it as who you are, and what you can accomplish with it. I spent many years depending on other people, and believing that I accomplished things because of them. Well, they certainly stood by my side from start to finish, but it was me who made the decision to take charge of my colitis, and run with it (literally). In the end, not only did I run an amazing time, but I also discovered my potential as a butyoudontlooksick advocate. I have the potential to overcome anything because I chose to grab my condition by the horns. I cannot express to you the power behind owning the negatives in your life, and turning them into positives. Being diagnosed with a chronic condition is a blessing in disguise; you just need to grab a spoon and find it. 🙂
essay written by Caitlyn Pilkington, Butyoudontlooksick.com Copyright 2008