The sofa was squashy, just the way I like it, ‘comfort before price’ was always my motto. Yet, all I could think about was the price of the sofa set—-the set that we truly desired. “Nicole this is it” my husband said with a childish grin on his face. I forced a smile as my mind became fixated with the price tag. I wanted the sofa set—I really did—The sofa set would go deep into our pockets and hold us captive for over two months, as a short medical leave turned into long-term disability leave.

I remember the anticipation I felt as the truck driver backed up the drive-way….with my new leather sofa-set. The set was left in ‘furniture limbo,’ when money became tight and my 3 year-old son yelled and played throughout the ‘naked’ living space. Needless to say, I was eager to witness the ‘coming home’ of the Leather Sofa Set. Despite the fact that it was a beautiful late summer day in south Florida, my body wasn’t up to walking nor was I up to talking and mingling with the delivery crew (though I am usually known for entertaining strangers). My husband and his brother Robert were downstairs to meet and greet the delivery crew. I could hear the commotion, as the crew tried to maneuver the larger potion of the set into the door-way of the townhouse. I remember glancing at the ceiling as the bumping and banging continued below me.
The stench of the leather sofa was something my weak stomach found hard to take. Why did I fix my mind and have so much envy for a sofa set for months? I was indeed stomach nauseas due to my medication and I would normally just go with the flow and be ‘happy-go-lucky’ about the stench situation—but no!! I was upset because I was afraid that I had made the wrong decision. The sofa set had been sitting-pretty in my living-room for more than a month, but that didn’t keep me from peering down and cursing the beloved set…….. ….I really had a bad case of buyers’ remorse.
Duing my third year as an undergrad student, I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus, a chronic auto-immune disease that causes inflammation of joints, skin and organs. I managed to obtain my BA and hold down a promising career in the field of marketing communications, where my quick-wit, stunning smile and positive attitude made me well liked by co-workers for over eight years. My condition never came up and I rarely brought it up. I was forced to deal with my ‘situation’ as I used to call it, when I started experiencing extreme fatigue and severe joint pain.
Folks, being human as we are—we usually can’t talk to or don’t know how to deal with a person who is ill. It is normal behavior for us to judge and/or just ignore that person.
Me, I just tried my best to ignore the symptoms. My boss was aware but I would never go into high detail whenever I called in sick or worked from home. Nor would I share too much with co-workers. They knew I had Lupus and even though this disease affects over 1 million in the US, folks usually don’t have a clue what the disease is about or have even heard of it at all. I found it harder to explain as the disease symptoms became unbearable. I was one of those workers that would come in sick and leave work sick. I would listen in on conference calls in shear agonizing pain or I would be so fatigued I would have to get up and splash water on my face. Medications made me nauseas and frequent trips to the ladies-room were a daily routine to ease my cramping stomach. I would force smiles to help cope with the pain and frustration of my illness.
As I was forced to apply for short and long-term disability, my attitude for life changed, my zest was gone. I spent my days and nights worried about how I could save money, or how I was going to afford next month’s medication. I never put the ‘we’ in anything anymore. I felt as if I was alone—neither family nor friends could truly understand how I felt. I blamed the sofa-set for my financial troubles. I hated the disease for debilitating me, I also blamed myself—for what—I don’t know.
My husband said “Nicole, what you are going through, we are all going through.” My sister moved 1,400 miles to be closer to me during my health struggles, but yet, I felt alone. I felt afraid, my hair was thinning and at first I was gaining weight from the steroids, then I began to lose weight due to stomach elements associated with medication tolerance. Food looked good but I could no longer keep it down.
It’s been nearly nine months now since my medical leave, but I am thankful for every day I have with my children and grateful that even though I am only 31 with a chronic illness, I have family and friends who really do care. I try to attend Lupus support meetings, when my health permits. It’s hard to catch hold of the idea of what coping actually is, until you realize what you really truly have. Bills will always be there, no matter how much we worry. The reality is anyone at any given time can be diagnosed with a debilitating illness. Chronic illness doesn’t care if you’re 30 or 50, black or white. Life is a blessing and even when I can’t get out of bed, I fix my mind on something that I am grateful for. My sofa-set is one of them!!!!
Essay written by: Nicole H. Francis, Butyoudontlooksick.com, © 2006