I was sixteen when I was first diagnosed with Systemic Lupus. At that age, most teenagers are at the height of self-expression and feelings of invisibleness. Making friends and sharing who you are with your friends is one of the most cherished parts of youthfulness. But when you are teenager with a chronic illness, it can be very difficult to keep up the pace and the level of commitment it takes in order to strengthen friendships in your life. For me, I had less than a handful of friends that understood my physical and oftentimes, cognitive(forgetfulness) limitations.

Because I knew how difficult it was to make friends as a teenager, when I became an adult, I fought like hell to maintain the two or three friendships that I had. I would get frustrated by the many broken lunch dates, movie nights, or hang-out sessions. I started getting very quiet when we sat around to make plans, afraid to say yes or no to an activity. Finally, I slowly faded away from those friendships all together. It wasn’t that I no longer valued my friends, it was because my feelings of helplessness and shame dominated me. I did not have the tools to articulate how I was feeling and what I needed and wanted. Here are 3 important steps you can make in either healing a friendship, or maintaining and strengthening an existing friendship
STEP ONE: Share your Knowledge
Keep your friends in the loop. Educate them about your illness, perhaps, bring along some pamphlets to your next lunch date or visit and, if possible, send them a beautiful handwritten note with the pamphlets stuffed in it. This way they have been given the tools to better understand and approach their relationship with you.
STEP TWO: Check for Changes
Let’s face it, when you become ill, everything changes, including your friendships. Friends, like everyone else, have the tendency to focus heavily on your illness, and forget that you are still you. Gather up the courage and ask your friends how they are handling you being ill. Are they afraid, angry or confused? Do they pity you? Do they feel YOU are pushing them away? Assumptions can be deadly.
STEP THREE: Listen, Listen & Listen
I don’t know about you, but when I am hurting, lonely, angry or frustrated with my body or forgetfulness, I have the tendency to talk, talk and talk! Talking is good, it does release frustration and slows down destructive reactive behavior, but too much talking about one topic (your illness) can be a killjoy to any relationship.
Your “well” friends offer you a wonderful opportunity to expand your thinking and activities past the sheltering realm of illness. They are offering many varieties of life and although you may cringe to hear them go on about how they danced into the late night hour, when you ached in bed into the late night hours, just listen! A fair flow of exchange is totally necessary to strengthen and grow friendships.
Today, my friendships only amount to a handful, but they are solid, understanding and nurturing. I found that the more accepting I am of myself, the more patient and open I am to receive love.
Article written by by Keesha M. Mayes, Butyoudontlooksick.com ©2006
(Keesha Mayes is the President, Senior Consultant and Professional Wellness Coach at CSOLUTIONS Coaching & Consulting services.)